British U21 Final

28th April


A post about this event appears on the Eagles website.

GP fever seizes the Sky pundits

23rd April

Another week, another meeting and all the usual topics of conversation are back – the weather, the track, the so-called “great atmosphere”, the “exciting” meeting in prospect that “both teams want to win” and the recent topical favourite, the so-called iniquity of the 2007 changes to the tactical replacement rule – for the clash of Poole and Coventry. All extensively leavened throughout with excitable chatter about the first round of the Grand Prix series as though run-of-the-mill encounters here between Scott Nicholls, Chris Harris, Bjarne Pedersen or Jason Crump would have even some vague relevance to this eleven round series. Jonathan is absolutely sure that “there’s going to be a great atmosphere tonight”, partly because of the party spirit encouraged by free entry for people “dressed as pirates” and the apparent significance/magnitude of the fixture.

Having already trotted out some scripted phrases – at the start of the show Jonathan christened Wimborne Road, probably a surprise to every other club in the speedway world, “the home of the people’s motor sport” – he then mistook Jason Crump for Cinzano (“hard man to beat anytime, anywhere”). Even relentless optimists who frequently give voice to comments that the pictures shown obviously contradict, find it hard to talk up or even expect much success from Chris Harris’s campaign in the 2007 GP series. Kelvin tells us, “he really is an exciting rider with lots of potential – I’m keeping my fingers crossed” whereas Nigel Pearson is much more honest in his assessment, “I feel personally it may be a season too early”. With both British riders only in the championship by dint of favouritism rather than actual qualification, neither mention that this selection probably has more to do with notionally maintaining viewer interest - something that’s definitely essential to satisfy the advertisers who’ll display their often obscure wares in the commercial breaks so lucratively sold by BSI.

Jonathan believes he knows why Coventry have enjoyed success so far this season (“the key is keeping the same team”) but worries about the weather (“it was misty and damp earlier”). A shot of the pits shows Troy Batchelor calmly putting on his gloves or, as Jonathan sees it, “he looks a little nervous there”. Down on the track, the perspicacious Chris Louis – definitely one of the best commentators and infinitely preferable to Sam ‘I can read their every thought or pretend I do and make them up’ Ermolenko – informs us “we’re getting a few drops of rain”. The news on the track surface is that it’s “a little bit greasy coming into the corners” and Chris expects it to be difficult to ride until the eighth or ninth heat, though it’s “gonna favour some of the brave guys who like getting out to the fence”. Kelvin didn’t ride for many years not to be able to spot a few things himself, “I noticed that they’d put fresh shale on the surface and ripped the outside”.

A delight of any meeting that features Jason Crump is his rather literal and acerbic response to the banal questions that frequently get thrown his way in interviews. In the pits, Sarra Elgan reveals the ongoing anxiety of the Sky Sports management that so-called dull televised fixtures will drive away viewers, when she notes rhetorically (in lieu of a specific question), “potentially it could be the closest meeting on Sky Sports this season”. Jason replies in a tone that fails to convince, “hopefully it’s a nice close meeting”. That’s what we need in televised speedway, the return of “nice”. If interviews were mental gymnastics then, as ever, Jonathan is happy to bang on to Scottie with irrelevant and tendentious questions about the Grand Prix. This is the interviewing equivalent of remaining in the metaphorical changing room or perhaps only trying a forward roll and Scott is having none of it, “tonight we’re here to represent our clubs and Saturday is a different matter”.

Interview over Jonathan gets all snitty at this rebuttal of his interpretation, “keeping his cards close to his chest – it’s a warm up, no matter what way he wants to see it!” Kelvin changes the subject since he’s decided to bring his years of experience to bear to study the form. Though he thinks it’s “gonna be close” he nonetheless still confidently tips Coventry to win. Jonathan admires his opinion, “I like it when a pundit sticks his neck out”. In the commentary booth, Nigel sets the scene and gives his wish for the evening all at the same time, “we’ve got two evenly matched sides and possibly we might see a last heat decider tonight Chris?”

Things don’t start auspiciously in the first heat which Jason wins easily with the rest of the field strung out behind like a line of washing. Sarra tells him afterwards, “Jason, the tracks looking patchy”. Jase parries with adroit literalism, “it is very patchy – good way to describe it!” For his troubles, Martin Smolinski is interviewed by Jonathan ‘Forrest’ Green (“he’s a laid back fella”) and Kelvin ‘Chancy’ Tatum immediately after he wins the second heat and notes, in excellent English that is a tribute to the German education system, “the track is quite rough today”. Not that this is exactly a surprise since “we had a track walk” before he stresses, “we’re not coming here for losing”. During the race as the riders slithered hither and thither, Chris Louis rightly noted, “I don’t think he’ll be the only one to be caught out by the track conditions”. Back in the Sky booth with the two computers with the Sky Sports logo ostentatiously stuck on them, Kelvin carries on this theme and expects things to eventually settle down “I think it’ll take half a dozen races or so”. Jonathan presses him for some further technical insight and is instantly rewarded with some wonderfully opaque pundit speak, “not to get into too much detail – you need the bike to be quite calm – drop a tooth or two and keep the bike calm”. It’s a reply that mixes simplicity and Klingon, while he conjures up visions of highly excitable speedway bikes with the ferocity of vicious animals. In the manner of patient with their doctor asking ‘is this normal?’ Jonathan shoots back with, “will it improve tho?” only to learn “it will [grasshopper]”.

Not that the third bend is proving easy for the riders to negotiate according to Chris Louis, “it’s that hard wet surface on the inside line”. After he’s effortlessly conjured another phrase from commentator’s almanac (“this meeting is already like a see-saw”), Nigel believes, “the riders are desperate for conditions to calm down” and Chris confirms the evidence of our own eyes, “the riders are still struggling with the track”. Nigel then switches to analyse the mind games played at speedway meetings, this time between Chris Harris and Jason Crump “who will gain the psychological advantage this time?” He starts to interpret everything he sees through this conversation trope, “by the start line – perhaps making a psychological point to the referee”. Though Crump team rides Batchelor home there is an ever-present danger according to Chris Louis, “Jason knows Chris Harris will keep it going for four laps”. Like one London bus follows another (”just as I’m saying team riding is a forgotten art of speedway”) – the next race features more team riding from Risager and Schlein, who, if Nigel’s surmise is to be believed, tries to exert Derren Brown-like mind control by “looking over his shoulder to stop Boycie”. Kelvin is delighted, “you never know what’s going to happen” and Jonathan echoes his ecstasy as though struggling to read a poorly written script, “no you don’t – that’s speedway!”

The next race features a shocking decision by referee Mick Bates who decides on a rerun with ‘all four back’ when patently, to any blind man on a galloping horse, Batchelor should have been excluded. Instead the truculent ref claims, “he didn’t have enough room on the outside”. Mick is nothing if not stubborn about his “decision” and refuses to indulge in such fripperies as consulting the available technology, “I don’t need to look at a replay, I’ve made my decision”. A noticeably vexed Coventry co-team manager Peter Oakes doesn’t appreciate this judgement or the manner of its arrival but cannily chooses his words carefully on live television, “I find it astonishing when the referee has the advantage of a replay that he won’t even use it!” Who can say what impact the correct decision here would have had on the dynamics and overall score of the meeting?

Bjarne wins a race and is assailed with a trillion irrelevant GP questions that he answers diffidently. Jonathan leads with the insightful, “what about the GP’s – are you looking forward to them?” and, not to be outdone as an investigative ‘pundit’ on a three year contract, Kelvin asks, “only beaten once here this season – you must be happy going into the GP’s?” With the answers remaining as unilluminating as the questions, Jonathan dismisses the man Nigel christened “the main Dane” with, “we’ll let you go Bjarne and get the dust off”. The inequality in the scoreline provides the excuse for Jonathan to outline his (tunnel) vision for the sport. Consequently, without invitation – and like popcorn in a warm pan we can’t stop him from giving form to these ‘thoughts’ - he continues his far from subtle campaign to try alter the tactical ride regulations to better suit the financial need of his employers (i.e. to satisfy advertisers by retaining the audience to the bitter end of every fixture). “It’s not very good for the sport or the fans – we used to have close meetings, but now we’re not having them!” Aah diddums. It’s the reaction of a spoilt child fed on sugar, never mind that it flies in the face of history and ignores that the governing body of the sport is supposed to look after the interests of all speedway teams in the Elite, Premier and Conference leagues and is supposed to remain scrupulously independent of Sky Sports.

Another win for Jason means another interview with Jonathan Gump who sympathises about what he imagines must be the “agonising” wait for the GP to start. “Well, I guess” says Jason easily puncturing the manufactured mood of breathless anticipation, so it’s left for Kelvin to step up and save his colleague’s embarrassment with his technical ‘I used to be a rider card’ type stunning-observation-cum-question, “I would think the bike set up is quite crucial”. “Yeh, and the weather” deadpans Jason. Sat at home we quickly gather that the speedway city of romance that is Lonigo will probably have temperatures around the 30 degree centigrade mark. Sensibly Jason decides to avoid too many further banal questions by shrewdly holding forth, “my most important thing is behind my ears!” As the asinine question count has dropped, Jonathan just can’t help himself, “who are you thinking of as your biggest threat?” It’s the kind of negative thinking champions always despise, so it’s no surprise the Aussie speedway superstar snaps back rather aggressively, “I’m thinking of everybody – who in that series isn’t capable of beating me?”

Back upstairs in the commentary booth, Nigel reassures us about an anxiety that I didn’t know we had, “Swist has got fast bikes, don’t worry about that”. Luckily there’s a modicum on track drama needing rhetorical escalation, “how did they avoid each other then? That was a miracle! How they avoided each other I will never know!” Coverage is further enlivened by a dispute between Rory Schlein and the start marshal that has potential to entertain us although since we can’t hear a word. It’s a bit like watching an episode of Vision On! without the sign language. The invariably acute Chris Louis highlights the lack of thrills during another easy win for Bjarne Pedersen but cleverly makes it sound like a virtue, “he was so far ahead he probably wasn’t sure which line to ride”. Nigel reassures us beforehand about heat 13, “its Crump against Scott Nicholls, that’s always worth watching believe me” and afterwards feels vindicated enough but, ever the diplomat, still has to couch his words carefully in case we start making invidious comparisons between ‘exciting’ and ‘boring’ races, “it was one of the best heats – [and] heat 11 without a doubt – there’s been quite a few this evening”.

The always easily marvelled Jonathan remains enraptured with the discovery that riders can actually steer their bikes to avoid crashes. “How do you avoid him?” he asks Kelvin querulously who temporarily tires of these piffling questions himself, “well, just skill, to be perfectly honest”. Kelvin then invokes one of the fundamental tenets of all good drama and lottery winners, “Swist was in the right place at the right time”. Bored but sensing a need to impress the programme editor and subtly influence the decision makers of the sport, Nigel decides to contribute to the tactical ride debate, “under 2007 regulations – that option isn’t open to them, so they have to go with traditional arrangements”. This is a pointless but self-interested debate about a rule that doesn’t any longer apply – like discussing the comparative benefits of penalty shootouts or replays in football. Interestingly Nigel chooses not to mention or debate the widely held view that whoever finishes first in the Elite League should be crowned champions (the traditional method until Sky coverage started) without the need for play-offs as this doesn’t suit the commercial imperatives of the broadcaster and so remains a topic that is self-censored from discussion on air.

The arrival of Darren Anderton at Wimborne Road is deemed excitingly newsworthy enough for the camera to linger on him and, in sharp contrast to usual, Jonathan suddenly sounds effortlessly authoritative and almost funny when he makes his clichéd ‘sick note’ jokes. It’s amazing the difference actually having some knowledge about what you’re speaking about can have. Nigel rather misleadingly claims Poole co-promoter Matt Ford “has affinity with Bournemouth Football Club” but coyly insists he “loves his sport” instead of revealing that he’s actually a Director of the club!

Before the meeting closes we learn tonight’s contest has been “great for the fans watching in their lounges” and that Peter Oakes never really anticipated a Coventry victory, “Poole and Swindon – these aren’t the places you go to win the league – that’s elsewhere – it’s a place where the home side lose the league”. The ineluctable logic of this home superiority argument is, despite protestations to the contrary by the Sky pundits, we should arguably not bother to watch meetings televised from these locations in future (April 30th/June 11th are the next two to avoid) as they are likely to be boringly predictable home wins (particularly with only one tactical ride allowed ☺).

Near to the end of the show, Kelvin closes with “I do believe Pedersen and Crump are spurring each other on” rather than attempt to revisit his confident prediction of a Coventry victory.

23rd April Poole v Coventry (ELA) 52-40

Big crowd and reports of the laws of physics being defied by an absent rider

16th April

The new era at Arena Essex has seen the club name change to the Lakeside Hammers and for the first visit of the Sky Sports cameras the new promotion at the club have taken the innovative step of offering completely free admission to the meeting. It’s a decision that has rightfully garnered them considerable publicity, the biggest crowd in nearly two decades and, hopefully after this visit, many more people might be persuaded to come through the turnstiles on a regular basis in future. It’s also a handy topic of conversation that answers the weekly challenge of ‘what on earth will the Sky presentational team of Jonathan and Kelvin find to talk about for two hours?’ Jonathan is beside himself, “what a buzz we have here tonight!’ and Kelvin notes, “a sense of expectation that you can cut with a knife”. For reasons that aren’t (ever) clarified Kelvin continues, “it’s a big night in prospect” before Jonathan cuts in with “a big night next week as well!” In fact, it’s a perpetual “big night” every week when the cameras show up, no matter what the fixture it can never be admitted that things are anything less than stupendous. Though, Kelvin forgets that slightly when he admits that speedway riders find it hard to motivate themselves when they “sometimes ride in front of an empty stadium and no atmosphere”. Ironically, the arrival of the Sky cameras traditionally decimates the crowd levels at practically every Elite League meeting they televise, so perhaps Kelv is unconsciously trying to warn us about the standard of fare served up to the armchair viewers?

Sam Ermolenko is out on the track and has noticed that the Arena Essex raceway has been prepared with more shale on it this year, particularly “the little bit of dirt on the outside line” that might encourage “moves from the brave”. Not that it’s ever an easy track to pass on because of its compact size. Loyal servant of the club, Leigh Lanham, admits as much, “starts are vital around here!” Kelvin also rode here for years so he adds his gloss on the task ahead “tricky track – really technical one”. It’s a comment that remains untranslated into plain English but effectively means whoever gates usually wins and overtaking is rare. Cleverly experienced broadcaster Nigel Pearson, in the manner of an illusionist directs our attention one way to distract from these issues, “it’s absolutely breathtaking…not for 15-16-17 years have we seen an occasion like this at Arena Essex”. The importance of a fast gate causes interminable delays when first Paul Hurry lives up to his surname and bursts through the tapes to be excluded by referee Chris Gay and, in the rerun, Craig Watson repeats the medicine to also get excluded. Nigel questions whether the unusual size of the crowd intimidates, “we’ve seen these riders on a knife edge – I wonder if the size of the crowd is getting to them?” Jonathan attempts to join in with an explanation but rather mysteriously blathers on with a request for a technical clarification from Kelvin, “you can explain - the clutches, 500 cc’s behind you?” Conjuring up an image of riders balanced on the tapes themselves rather than on the start grid Kelvin replies, “they’re so keen to get off the tapes”. Jonathan remains amazed, “er, normally on a Monday night 500, tonight it’s five-six thousand” and Kelvin switches theories to surmise that the riders have become distracted by “the cameras”. In the pits Sarra Elgan tests out the theorie du jour about nerves, the crowd and broken tapes on World champion Jason Crump, “it’s hard to say – probably not!”

Back in the commentary booth, Nigel hopes that this ‘free’ night out for new or long lost fans is a highly addictive and thrilling experience that they’ll long to immediately repeat, “let’s hope it works for Lakeside and British speedway in general…that these people get hooked.” Just like it’s often claimed that cannabis is a ‘gateway drug’ that automatically leads to heroin use, so it is with a trip to Thurrock when it comes to repeated consumption of speedway. Jonathan repeatedly excitedly talks over panoramic shots of a traffic jam on the M25 and on the traffic island that has the slip road to the entrance, almost as if jams are unheard of on this stretch of the motorway, before he turns to Kelvin and says, “having ridden for this side, you know how important it is to win!” Important or not, Kelv is concerned with the track (“bit greasy on top”) but looks excitedly ahead, “triffic line up in heat 3 – I can’t wait for that one!” I’m sure the hearts of the armchair viewers practically leap from their chests at the mere thought of a race that features Bjarne Pedersen, Edward Kennett, Krzysztof Kasprzak and Leigh Lanham. It certainly excites Nigel who says afterwards, “as did we saw- see” before the third place battle between Lanham and Kennett causes him to exclaim involuntarily in a roared answer to imaginary critics [and Leigh Lanham minutes earlier], “who says speedway races are all about who makes the start first!” Sam is in no doubt of the approach needed, “that’s how you’ve got to ride this track – really aggressive”. Synchronistically, next up is a race that features Craig Boyce, so Nigel alludes to his recent proclivity for controversial incident and Sam laughingly agrees, “he’s a character and a half as you say”. [Funny they never laugh about Nicki Pedersen in that way] Unfortunately for the more macabre minded viewers, but luckily for the Lakeside and Pirates riders, the “technical” nature of the track deprives us of the entertainment provided by the traditional speedway sight of Boycie’s opponents getting plunged into the air fence.

According to people that I’ve spoken to who were there – the atmosphere was fantastic to experience live (even though the burgers ran out early) but this totally fails to communicate itself to the armchair viewer. Sadly every week we’re overwhelmed with hyperbole and told the most dull as ditchwater yawn-fest is speedway gold, so rather like the boy who cried wolf, when there is arguably something special to emphasize you just dismiss it as yet more special pleading. Everyone on the commentary team is amazed and Jonathan, like you do when you spot a huge tailback in the opposite motorway lane to your own, takes almost endless delight at the shots of many fans queuing in their vehicles just to get in the Arena/Lakeside car park. “Cars are still coming into the car park to try to find a place to park” is his mantra capably echoed in variant form by Nigel Pearson after heat 4 when he says, “the fans have had a great start already – those that are in the stadium!”

The contest sparks to life on the way back to the pits after heat 5 when Jason Crump decides to remonstrate with Krzysztof Kasprzak about his apparent lack of speedway manners/lane discipline on the track that has seen him to slew across the Aussie to block any prospective charge. As I understand the rules, since the Pole was ahead, these were perfectly legal manoeuvres albeit ones generally frowned upon as not quite the done thing. Jason finishes second and is captured on camera giving his tuppenceworth worth to his victorious opponent in a manner that has ‘bad loser’ written all over it. His ire still burns enough for him to continue this conversation in the pits and emphasize his point with a few brief raps on his rivals’ crash helmet. Later we learn from Nigel (“Jason Crump has been on the phone unhappy about the way he cut across the race line”) that he had then immediately scuttled off to complain to teacher in the form of match official Chris Gay. Jonathan can barely contain his glee that the meeting has a brief flicker of controversy that he can bang on at length about to Kelvin, “tap, tap, tap – ‘what are you doing mate?’ – that’s my speedway speak” says Jonathan rather self-referentially. Kelv expresses ‘understanding’ and scowls at the camera to communicate the full seriousness of the notional offence, “in the back of his mind he doesn’t want to get caught up in an incident and get an injury with the World championship coming up in a few weeks.” Later in the meeting Jonathan inadvertently, in true Freudian style, unconsciously reveals his true motivations as a broadcaster at a speedway meeting, it’s not about the racing really but the spectacle of the crashes and fights, “there’s nothing like a bit of needle speedway style!”

Sadly this particular hint of controversy soon subsides, despite the best efforts of the Sky team to fan the flickering embers of its resolutely storm-in-a-teacup status, so they have to resort to talking about the crowd once more:
KT “you’ve got to say the racing has been triffic and this crowd have been entertained!”
JG “there’s no doubt about it”
They must have an entertainment threshold almost as low as the gnat like capacity that they perpetually assume the armchair audience possesses.
JG “it really is a fantastic atmosphere - it is something special!”
NP “look at that crowd here!”
KT “it’s triffic”
NP “so many people sampling speedway for the first time tonight”
JG “and they’re queuing to get in!”

Once the thrill of this crowd - well below what relatively nearby Essex neighbours Colchester United achieve every time they play home matches at Layer Road - has subsided, talk moves onto a wave given by a man at the meeting. That man is Troy Batchelor and since he hasn’t appeared on camera much before, Jonathan decides to interview him as though he’s dealing with an imbecile, so he contents himself with telling Troy what he’s just done and why he’s done it “a very happy win – you punched the air with excitement after that one!” A subsequent interview with Jason Crump (conducted by Sara) is more illuminating. Thanks in no small part to the articulacy and wry self-absorption of the interviewee, who’s able to hold forth entertainingly after he’s been asked a question he’s heard a thousand times before (about his approach to defending his World championship crown). Jason very modestly notes last year he “achieved a level of consistency in the GP’s” (“you always aim to be perfect”) and he’d like to ensure that this form is repeated but can’t guarantee it, “I’m under a lot of pressure to replicate that but, at the moment, that remains to be seen.” It’s a statement that mixes honesty and the psychology of gamesmanship in a single sentence for any of his rivals who happen to have struggled through the broadcast to this late stage of the meeting in the hope of an illuminating insight into the mental approach of one of their erstwhile rivals. It’s a shame that Kasprzak isn’t in the GP series – maybe Jonathan could start another one of his guerrilla campaigns to influence key decision makers, namely that nice Mr Postlethwaite in this instance, to push for his inclusion – since in heat 12 he adds the scalp of Bjarne Pedersen to that of Jason Crump.

Before the nominated race, a deeply tanned but camera shy Jon Cook finally has to appear on screen to watch Sarra toss the ceremonial shiny Sky coin to decide gate positions in the company of Neil ‘Middlo’ Middleditch. Despite his close season transfer to Thurrock, old Eastbourne habits die hard with Jon, “where I come from, there’s no better feeling than beating the Pirates”. With the result beyond doubt and the last race yet to start, Kelvin’s mind wanders as he tries to big up the drama of heat 15, “it should be interesting when the tapes fly up!” he tells Jonathan and the spellbound armchair audience. As an ex-Hammer himself, his pride at the possible resurrection of the clubs fortunes after a few fallow years is hard for him to disguise. When talk moves onto the further improvement that the eventual return from injury that Henning Bager potentially promises for the results of the team, we’re quickly drawn into Kelvinworld. “[He’s a] tall, gangly guy who sometimes turns the big inside out and defies the laws of physics at times, to be perfectly honest!” If news of this spreads, surely this would be enough to attract crowds this size every week to Thurrock?

16th April Arena-Essex Lakeside v Poole (ELA) 48-42

Live “Dead in the Water” Speedway meeting

9th April

Another week, another Sky Sports live broadcast where the rhetoric outruns the reality of what’s on display. The presenters are impressed to be at Monmore Green for the first time this season. Kelvin luxuriates in the “triffic atmosphere in the stadium” and Jonathan is chuffed with the “fantastic crowd” huddled together in front of the main grandstand on the home straight. “Belle Vue looking for some pride” opines Kelvin is the best they can come up with to describe the so-called importance of this run-of-the-mill encounter. At least they have Gary ‘Havvy’ Havelock to add some liveliness and colour to proceedings this week. He’s an intelligent commentator and always good value to listen to. Though even Havvy gets infected by the anodyne and relentless boosterism that is the house style at any Sky live speedway meeting - the employee handbook apparently insists upon it for all who cross the Sky portal at any stadium in Europe – he actually has something to say!

Down at the shale surface, we learn from Havvy that the surface is “mint”, something he attributes to its preparation by “Alan Bridges” who I assume must be distantly related to track curator Alan ‘Doc’ Bridgett? In a weekly broadcast riddled with errors and fatuousness, we can easily forgive him the odd unforced error. We learn that the track is 264 metres long and Havvy then adds to the speedway lexicon of the general public when he raises, for the first time I’ve ever heard it, the concept of the “Karlsson corridor”. It’s a reference to the favoured inside line that PK has used to great effect to defeat opponents round this track, but, as Havvy rightly notes, “knowing it’s there is one thing, using it’s another!” This is great insight but, sadly since the Green-Tatum partnership have so little that is original to say, they blunt its interpretative utility by endless repetition throughout the night. If it were a brick they would have worn in into a smooth round pebble within a broadcast. Expect to hear about this every time the cameras go to Wolverhampton in future.

Back at the table with two computers, Kelvin frets about a Belle Vue line up that features “guests everywhere tonight” – in the form of Ben Barker, David Norris and Jason Bunyan – before he sounds like a schoolmaster, “I expect big things of David this evening”. Though this might not be so likely since Havvy tells us later that he’s suffering from “man flu”. Kelvin consoles himself with the presence in the Belle Vue team of Kevin Doolan who describes in a way that makes him sound like a lethally sharp knife or vicious dog that might suddenly combust (“he’s on fire at the moment – a reserve that’s in top form is very dangerous indeed”). Wolves are missing the services of Freddie Lindgren so Kelvin trots out a sports inappropriate analogy, “it’s like a team going down to 10 men”. Luckily Jonathan is on hand to add some much needed gravitas and insight about Belle Vue, “all these guys riding in the first few heats have got to score points!”

Another person on the broadcast team that inspires strong emotions on the internet forums for his relentless use of cliché and the ineptitude of his descriptions is Tony Millard. I don’t find these attributes irritating myself since I view him as the aural equivalent of a distant uncle who’s slightly deaf but sadly gone slightly doolally and is, thereby, frequently unintentionally entertaining. He’s on fine early form on microphone duty tonight and excited about the meeting ahead, so we learn it’s a “Bank Holiday battle and a Bank Holiday” before we’re soon thrown into a philosophy lesson, “Joe Screen, like speedway, can always spring surprises!”

Jonathan segues down to the first pits interview of the night with the introduction, “Sarra Elgan is down in the pits for us”. We’re not quite told if this week Sky Sports are operating ‘Reporter Replacement’ for Abi or, like early season impatient and success hungry but parsimonious promoters, they have pre-emptorily sacked her. [Afterwards I learn Abi was the Tony Rickardsson of speedway reporting - in his 2006 Oxford incarnation – brought in to a do a job on a short-term contract but ultimately disappointing.] My first impressions are that something has gone very wrong with the recruitment system at Sky since blonde-haired Sarra actually appears impressive, knowledgeable and to the point in her interviews. You could even claim that we learn something from her contributions. This is probably a bad career move since it will throw the almost looped interjections of other colleagues into a bad light and buck the ‘interview-lite’ credentials the channel has strived for so long to consistently project in these, admittedly, brief interviews. At one point, David Howe politely struggles (“pardon me?”) a bit with the twang of her accent - is it Welsh? – but not the perspicacity of her questions.

Belle Vue surprise the easily excited Jonathan with a competitive start to the meeting, “good job so far by Belle Vue – I’m impressed cos it was never going to be easy was it?” Havvy is equally gobsmacked by the battling resistance shown by the Aces, “some teams just come here and throw in the towel” (this sounds suspiciously like he’s rode for some of them?) While the racing is better than the fare served up for the armchair viewer in recent weeks, between races we’re treated to the same old, same old as Jonathan and Kelvin rehash exactly what we’ve just seen in painstakingly banal detail as though they’re describing how to split the atom in the style of a daytime cookery programme to someone shockingly slow on the uptake. The laughable technology revolution that is the slow motion reply with arrows and small superimposed faces makes its comeback and Kelvin is back in his presentational element with his gizmo. We learn nothing new but, after a delay that lasts for an eon and gives the sap of rising anticipation time to well up in the viewers, it’s delivered with trademark banal simplicity masquerading as profundity. Kelvin ostentatiously stops the slo-mo, awaits the appearance of the arrows and says something along the lines of, “this is where he overtakes him”. A pastiche of this speedway meets children’s hour approach could be, if you imagine it overlaid arrows too, “David rides a bike. He wears a crash helmet. Listen to it go brum brum. Close to the fence, David passes the other man in the red helmet. Golly, David has done very well.”

In the booth, Havvy has temporarily become possessed and temporarily suddenly thinks he’s Jonathan, “I know there’s going to be some action in the first corner”. While alongside him, Tony Millard bates his critics with a lengthy reading from his handy book of clichés placed next to his microphone. “He’s all over Billy Hamill like a rash”, “the master of speedway here at Monmore Green”, “Screen is doing the chasing and Hamill is doing the winning” and “Hamill who waves to the fans who really love him – Hamill the man the fans love now”. Ignoring that the summer of love 2007 style has arrived unseasonably early in Wolverhampton, all these bon mots flood out in little over a lap but fall well short of the all-comers cliché count that Tony can easily set when the wind is behind him and he’s truly excited.

No meeting on the telly would be complete without a discussion of the track; except, of course, when the track is dangerously wet and a league meeting has been forced to go ahead because of the presence of the cameras or it’s a GP and a one-off track cuts up to nearly unrideable. Kevin Doolan starts the discussions with “it’s a little bit choppy” before Kelvin raises himself to his full ex-rider height to give a bit of technical insight, “looking at the base of the track it’s quite dry and the surface is quite powdery.” Though he often apparently operates with an understanding of the rules not actually in the current rulebook, Kelvin is at his most engaged when discussing the finer points of technical detail. However, Kelv often flounders when asked to stray from the owner’s handbook to editorialise during these moments he either re-iterates in painful detail what we’ve all just seen or, instead, says something in an unemotional, railway station public announcement type manner. “Yeh, I think it was one of the best races I’ve seen all year to be honest,” sounds a few words short of catatonia.

Tony Millard has noticeably cranked up the flow of ‘insight’, so now tries to talk up even the most predictable of races beforehand. “Can David Norris win this one?” he wonders dramatically as though he was in a run-off for the World championship crown against Jason Crump, Tomas Gollob and Nicki Pedersen rather than a race that has him pitted against William Lawson and Theo Pijper. Havvy isn’t prepared to play ball, “yeh, I think he can, he’s out against two reserves” [it was three reserves since Doolan is also a reserve for Belle Vue]. A race prediction that is completely wrong since in the actual race Pijper wins so comfortably that Tony Millard responds in the only way he knows how, “the 27-year-old Dutchman really was the flying Dutchman in that one…the Pijper indeed calling the tune!” Kelvin is so impressed that he talks us all back through the race again, albeit merely rehashing what we’ve all just seen without the hint of any additional insight. Back in the commentary booth, Havvy tries to get excited by the Doolan-Pijper duel in heat 8, “I say it was only for second and third but it was probably the best race of the night.”

With the score at 29-19 to Wolves, it’s no longer exciting enough of a ‘spectacle’ for Jonathan, who continues his not-so-subtle guerrilla campaign to force the SCB to alter the 2007 rules in mid-season with his campaign of attrition that involves constant low level grumbling about the level of entertainment denied to him and the armchair viewers since the recent alteration to/correction of the rider replacement rules. He warms us up with a philosophical rumination, “why is no-one using the 15 metre tactical?” before he shows he’s done a modicum of homework when he presses ahead with his killer follow up question, “why would they vote it in, if they’re not going to use it?” Thank goodness the SCB can’t introduce flogging or the death penalty with Jonathan around. Kelvin senses a perverse conspiracy to dull the sport and incite boredom in the spectators and armchair viewers, “well…only the association can answer that question” (said in a sceptical voice that he reserves for special occasions and the mysteries of the universe). His facial expression is one that manages to mix bewilderment, raised eyebrows and the shocked look of a lottery winner seconds after they’ve heard the news. With scores now twelve points apart, once he has a presentational trope locked into his brain Jonathan won’t let it go, so we’re treated to our next instalment of ‘Forrest Gump talks speedway with Chancy Gardner’ when he asks querulously before heat 10, “you wouldn’t go for a double using him [Doolan] now?” Even Kelvin is shocked by the idiocy of this suggestion, particularly since it reveals after five (is it six?) seasons of work as the anchorman presenter, Jonathan effectively still has no real idea or insight about the speedway he visits every week! “Well, I don’t think he’d beat PK” is an adroit recovery. Plus, Kelvin equally could have highlighted that Doolan would have struggled off a 15 metre handicap in a race that also featured David Norris and David Howe. Predictably enough, he finishes last though Havvy spots some mechanical gremlins, “sparks from Doolan’s bike, I don’t know what that’s about!” Before the race starts Havvy has simultaneously blown smoke up the arse of Sky Sports management team and, inadvertently, given the game away about the dire quality of the racing fare often served up by Sky in the live meetings they cover, “I thought it was a great rule to keep meetings alive that were dead in the water – I think it’s a bit of a backward step to be honest!”

Sadly I taped over the rest of the meeting (with The Apprentice – wouldn’t it be great to see Kelvin and Jonathan got to do some tasks on this programme?) so missed the exciting conclusion of the meeting. Perhaps, it will be fondly remembered in the future as the first positive step taken in a long speedway career for Sarra Elgan? Or that Havvy was honest enough to reveal the paucity of entertainment regularly offered up by Sky’s weekly coverage of Elite League speedway?

9th April Wolverhampton v Belle Vue (ELA) 54-39

Dustbowl Derby

The first leg of the double header Easter Sunday meeting between Reading and Swindon is enticing enough to attract a good sized crowd to Smallmead. The number of spectators through the turnstiles has been swelled by a good sized contingent of Swindon fans who gather on the third bend, which allows the keener ones to press themselves against the perimeter fence and try to catch a glimpse of what’s happening in the pits. The meeting was originally advertised to start at noon but was put back by half an hour during the week before “for the crowd”, though many Swindon fans see conspiracy everywhere and claim it was to allow extra leeway for Matej Zagar, who flew in this morning. In the programme, Jim Lynch is full of optimism and hopes for “ a win under our belts this afternoon [to] ensure that people sit up and take notice that it’s not just the Robins and the Bees that are the teams to worry about this season.”

The jet set life of the modern speedway rider is such that they’re at a different track almost every day and so encounter a huge variety of track surfaces. At Smallmead today, they will get to face a range of these conditions all in the space of a couple of hours since the perils of staging a meeting during the day is compounded when it’s beautifully hot and sunny. The track staff have soaked the track – which looks to have a good layer of dirt on it, particularly towards the safety fence - in the full knowledge that it will dry out quickly. Out in the first heat is Leigh Adams who Greg Hancock in his programme notes describes as “such a fair competitor”, which I assume is a tacit reference to Nicki Pedersen and is always easy to say about someone who fails to transfer their league form to the individual stage and so never challenges you in the Grand Prix series. Leigh wins this latest race according to the Queensberry rules and when he drives aggressively into the third bend for the first time - wet gloopy lumps of the stuff are thrown over the crowd stood closest to the greyhound track wall. It sticks to everything it touches including the kevlars of Simota and Hancock who spend the race trailed off behind the fast gating Aussie Adams. The end of the race is the signal for the first of many track grades to commence.

The absence of Mark Lemon at reserve has brought together an interesting partnership for Reading since they’ve paired guest Jason Bunyan with Danny Bird. They have some previous together since during the Spring Bank Holiday of 2005 Bunyan aggressively crashed into Bird in a manner that prematurely scuppered his season and some felt was deliberate. Such is the nature of the guest system and the frequent movement of riders from team to team that bygones are mostly bygones. They get little chance to find out how they will ride together as a partnership since Bird soon falls and thereby incurs the wrath of Mads Korneliussen (“Mads hasn’t scored less than eight for us all season”) who lays down his bike with alacrity but leaps to his feet equally smartly to gesture his annoyance. The referee today is Ronnie Allan and he allows extra time before the rerun for Mads to fix the silencer that he damaged when he laid down his machine. It gives me the chance to chat to Darcia who works at Blunsdon and who joins the contingent of travelling Robins fans whenever she can. Big things are forecast for the Robins by the bookies and pundits this season (“everyone’s desperate for it”) and this has been reflected in the early season crowds “we had a big one on Thursday night [for Poole] that was bigger than when we had the World Cup. They’ve been great ever since they first talked about the stadium closure, though they say the crowds haven’t been great here.”


This is the theme actually taken up in the programme by Joel Hufford of BBC Radio Berkshire who is blunt in his assessment, “only a couple of weeks into the season and already concern has arisen over the size of the crowds the Reading Bulldogs are attracting.” He goes on to make a fallacious apples with oranges comparison with the attendances at the football club and grants only limited validity to the commonly held explanations that these low numbers are to do with the “weather, the price of admission and the move to racing on a Wednesday or Friday.” Joel prefers to claim the explanation is the exciting heterogeneity of alternative sources of entertainment available to the modern consumer (“movies on demand, the internet, video games etc tempting people to stay at home”) and, “if speedway is to flourish”, calls for “much more aggressive and innovative” marketing. Ignoring that it was always thus, just more so nowadays, Joel then undermines his case with his suggested solution - the hardly revolutionary proposal of a few school visits to help “ensure a new generation of fans will be around in the coming decades”. Sadly fans today and not fans tomorrow are needed to fulfil the BSI business plan. This desire for increased marketing expertise is hugely ironic when you consider around the time of the creation of BSI Reading in early 2006 it was put about in the media that John Postlethwaite had a proven track record in this particular area and, consequently it was implied, would really shake things up around here. We all looked forward to him sprinkling some of the bountiful quantities of marketing magic dust that lined his pockets onto Reading speedway, but sadly we’re still waiting for what he has done to bear fruit. To be fair to him he has tried since he invested in the team, the management as well as aggressively marketed the club on television, regional radio (BBC Radio Berkshire, for example!), experimented with free entry for kids (abandoned in 2007) and changed the name of the club without effective market research to supposedly appeal to a wider demographic/more affluent audience. It must be galling for BSI Reading to have assembled a strong team to take the club into the Elite League only to encounter apathy, if judged by average crowd numbers, though some initial thorough analysis prior to the purchase, name change etc might have highlighted this as a possibility!

If the crowd the numbers are missing at the typical fixture held at Smallmead so, disappointingly, are the start girls! Maybe they’re on holiday or, perhaps like the lack of a Sporting Director (Sam Ermolenko) or an Account Manager (Torben Olsen) on staff this year, they have been let go as part of a rumoured cost-cutting exercise? Something that also gets let go today is the score when the Bulldogs suffer four consecutive lost heats. Talk before the third heat was that Sebastian Ulamek and Matej Zagar had “a bit of a history” together and that Charlie Gjedde’s variable performance this season was down to his “engines – when he borrowed Moore’s he got 14, they say he’s putting all his money into his house in Denmark.” The bad blood that supposedly exists doesn’t get any further expiation since Ulamek wins from the gate and Gjedde has a “sensational ride” when he uses his track knowledge and general cunning to gain sufficient speed to pass both Zagar and Kolodziej on the fourth bend of the penultimate lap. At least Smallmead is a track where some passing is more likely, unlike Blunsdon where Darcia notes, “at the end of the day if you get on the line you can’t really get passed”.

Another point of interest in this race is provided by Zagar’s red helmet or, to be more exact, the black stripes that are incorporated in its design on the side of the helmet. Only two days previously the same referee Ronnie Allan had showboated in the pits and made a song and dance about Nicki Pedersen’s green helmet and insisted that he wear a helmet colour though it’s surface was less obscured by a design feature than Zagar’s. If the same referee can be so inconsistent from one day to the next in the application of the rulebook when it comes to helmet colours, you have to wonder how they will manage to apply the more complicated rules and regulations. This is the kind of inconsistency in the application of the rules that gives referee’s in general a unfairly won but nonetheless bad reputation and confirms that Ronnie sometimes prefers to be ‘the big I am’ rather than consistently judicious. Luckily for the fans and both sides, the need for interpretation was minimal and so controversy was absent from this meeting.

What wasn’t absent was the frequent sight of a puzzled Jim Lynch (who fated himself when he sympathised with Belle Vue and Oxford, “it’s been tough for all the tracks up and down the country trying to get track conditions right”) or a gaggle of Bulldogs riders (first Hancock, Zagar and McGowan, later Hancock and Kolodziej) deep in puzzled conversation stood on the third bend of the track. Everyone who conducted an inspection repeatedly kicked the surface, as if this might help, and every man and his dog had their say as though the track surface were solely to blame for their astonishingly poor start to the meeting. It seemed a bit rich to obliquely blame the track surface when so many riders in the Reading team appeared uninterestedly lacklustre. It would be easier to concentrate on those riders that performed well – they were both out in the fourth heat: Travis McGowan (who fell when in good position) and Jason Bunyan (who departed from the team script to ride with verve and determination). If the start had been put back to better suit Zagar’s schedule he looked disinterested in his first ride, after which I confidently expected that he would have the gained the measure of what whatever troubled him to then buck up, kick on and perform in his usual highly capable manner. After another lengthy track grade he did return to the track for heat 5 but finished stone last without even causing Leigh Adams to have to aggressively accelerate under him on the third bend, as he consistently did with any rider who had the brief temerity to challenge his pre-eminence. The score is now an embarrassing 9-21 and the Bulldogs play-off credentials look somewhat suspect, if judged on this performance.

If there’s an apology for a performance on the track, then off it Tadley based announcer Paul Hunsdon fulsomely acknowledges the speaker difficulties the club experienced at the Good Friday meeting with Oxford, “we apologise for the speaker failure and for those of you that experienced sound problems, particularly on bend 3 and bend 2, so apologies for that!” Part of me is happy to acknowledge that the new corporate Bulldogs feel the need to offer regret but, the other part, hates the infantalisation of modern safety and customer announcements that pervade so many contemporary experiences nowadays. I much prefer the old style way of doing things where speaker (and lighting) problems went with the territory at Smallmead and, therefore, weren’t ever really acknowledged enough to merit an apology. Before you know it, Paul will be asking us to ‘ensure that you take all your belongings with you when you leave the stadium!’

The ‘weaker’ Robins pairing of Lee Richardson and Andrew Moore tempts the energetic Jim Lynch to use the black and white tactical option as early as heat 6 to great effect when he gives this to the experienced Greg Hancock. It’s hardly an innovative choice but supremely effective in quickly reducing the overall scoreline to a much more acceptable 17-22. In this race Richardson relived his early Smallmead years by falling and being excluded, Darcia like the rest of the Robins fans isn’t that bothered by Lee hitting the deck, “you don’t mind if he’s trying!” After the race, a small cameo between the returning victorious Bulldogs riders and Jim Lynch gives an insight into his current level of authority with them. In the manner of an impatient geography teacher dealing with stragglers on a day out to broaden the educational outlook of his bored charges, as Greg and Sam return to the pits gate Jim ostentatiously waves an instruction with his programme board that they continue round again for a (rare) victory lap. Greg pointedly ignores him and just carries on straight back to the pits but Sam, still at an earlier stage in his career, obliges.

In Heat 7, Reading manage their second drawn heat of the meeting after a win by Travis McGowan but, with Danny Bird trailed off at the back looking completely out of sorts, the heat is drawn. The unseasonal warmth of the sunshine has completely dried the shale surface of the track and the dust clouds are starting to mount (“the dustbowls coming – it’s getting dustier and dustier” chokes Darcia). A trio of riders return to the track as the Paul the announcer tries to drum up interest among the Reading faithful for the return trip to Blunsdon in the evening (“they’ve been getting some excellent crowds down there”), though at this point many bookies would already pay out on the Swindon win without the formality of a contest. Jason Bunyan gives another display to the rest of the team of how to aggressively ride a circuit that he won’t have placed a wheel upon for over 18 months. Paul Hunsdon the announcer attempts to create some excitement before heat 9 with some welcome talk of horses, “sponsored by our good friends at Equestrian Vehicle Services – so give them a call if you’re interested in equestrian!” A glance in the programme shows that the level of heat sponsorships has improved at the club from the poor level of last season as only four of the fifteen slots remain unsold, though suspicions remain that some adverts may have been included gratis. Matej Zagar finally stirs from his inexplicable torpor to win a race, though I’m still much more taken with his ostensibly red helmet that has a large black motif on its sides (though the rest of the field only see the back of it) after the first bend when he cuts across them all from gate 4.


An unexpectedly early interval for more work on the track allows Paul Hunsdon to feel pride at the second prize in the Reading prize draw (free entry for the next meeting), poke fun with an old joke and distract from the pitiful nature of the home performance with mention of the even more execrable local rivals, Oxford. “I heard in the prize draw at Oxford, first prize was free entry to the next meeting and second prize was two free entries” ‘Boom! Boom!’ as Basil Brush might say. Track conditions deteriorate further despite the additional attention and TLC lavished on it to the extent that it’s hard to watch through the dust cloud that thickly billows over the first corner every time the riders circuit the track. The cloud is so thick, it’s like the London fog in old black and white films, albeit that at Smallmead you have the added bonus of choking shale dust. Paul employs some understatement in his latest public service announcement, “we must apologise for it getting a little bit dusty – you can see we’ve been watering and apologies for those of you on the bend getting a little bit filled in!”

Like the earlier races, the Robins riders continue to approach each race with vim and gusto. Seb Ulamek wins from the start in 12 and in the next Leigh Adams brooks no argument in the first lap when he cuts hard under McGowan on his favoured third bend. Even Lee Richardson appears comparatively indomitable as he holds Greg Hancock back in last place, though he looks from side to side so often (in a kind of deranged green cross code for the hyper-aware speedway rider) for the challenge that never comes you worry that self-induced dizziness might soon cause him to fall.

When we learn over the tannoy just before heat 14 that “Danny has unfortunately withdrawn from the meeting due to illness” a loud cheer bursts from the large contingent of Swindon fans on the third bend as they realise a three rider race in heat 14 eliminates the slim mathematical possibility of a Bulldogs win. The race itself is a cameo in miniature of the difference between the attitudes of the two teams since Mad Korneliussen really aggressively harries Janusz Kolodziej - the leader from the gate – for two laps before he manages to pass him as they hit the bend for the third lap. Charlie Gjedde follows in his wake for the third 1-5 of the meeting. It’s a dispiriting spectacle for the Reading fans and many of them walk out of the stadium at that point without waiting for the nominated heat that will also result in another maximum heat win for the visitors. Wavering fans won’t feel like rushing back after a performance as appallingly lacklustre as this and, if by any fluke some new fans had actually ventured along to Smallmead for their first ever meeting (doubtless attracted by the family friendly and benign Bulldog brand name), they’ll probably think twice before returning if they anticipate a dust obscured spectacle albeit provided with the possibility of some free pneumoconiosis. Fortunately, we’d already learnt that there would be no post-meeting press conference in the bar afterwards, otherwise you’d have had to suspect that severe embarrassment and the absence of a plausible explanation for this display had led to its cancellation. On principle rather than with deep conviction, announcer Paul Hunsdon looks ahead to the return fixture at Blunsdon, “let’s hope the Bulldogs can re-find their form and push the Robins all the way!”

8th April Reading v Swindon (ELA) 39-54

Rugby Score of a Speedway Meeting

2nd April

The latest televised broadcast from the speedway lovers at Sky Sports was mostly notable for its absences. New presenter Abi was very obviously missing from Sandy Lane – hopefully only for a further visit to the famed Sky presenter’s finishing school - as were any banal or meaningful interviews conducted in the pits. Even Kelvin appeared to have cast aside his new fangled technological gizmo – basically an action replay with indistinct random arrows without any real explanatory value overlaid with small pop-up head shots to mark who each rider actually is – in favour of its verbal equivalent. Also absent was any sign of a competitive meeting, a credible team for Oxford and, as is traditional so far this season, a properly raceable track surface. For once, the difficulty the riders faced coping with the track hadn’t been inflicted upon them by the commercial imperatives of a live outside broadcast that invariably demands ‘the show must go on’ no matter how abysmal the spectacle it creates when raced on a wet or difficult surface. Instead the track staff in Cowley had managed the seemingly impossible in that they had created a surface that on the inside mimicked the lumps and bumps more associated with a scrambles meet when combined with a ploughed field. Such was their achievement that the surface was even worse than that traditionally produced for the BSI for their Grand Prix meetings in ‘one-off’ stadia that invariably ensures the subsequent racing is mostly processional.

Interestingly, the opening images used to headline tonight’s show chose not to emphasize the bravery or skill of the riders but instead stressed their proclivity for dramatic crashes and fights. This all makes good television of course but doesn’t show the sport in its best light to the ‘new audience’ we always hear so much about but see so little evidence at speedway tracks round the country. The breathless voiceover informed us it was “time to rip up the rule book” which ironically is also the approach Sky take to negotiations with the SCB about the many aspects of the sport they don’t like and wish to ‘improve’ or ostensibly change for the better (helmet colours, tactical ride rules, referees in charge of rain-offs etc). After the introduction fades we cut to the Sky booth at trackside where both Kelvin and Jonathan are stood besides a remarkably small table that is fully occupied with the sleek black computer screen they each have. Maybe it allows Jonathan to google the Met Office since he soon brings us the big meteorological news of the evening, “yes, the temperature’s gone down a bit but it’s still a beautiful evening” Ever professional and keen to bustle on he rhetorically asks Kelvin for additional insight, “it’s not going to be easy for Oxford is it?” Kelv zings back the reply, “you’re dead right – it’s going to be a difficult home fixture for the home team!” With the promise of excitement like this ahead, it wouldn’t be surprising if the phone lines burnt red hot across the country as the ‘new audience’ rang other potential ‘ new audience’ members to say ‘drop everything and watch what’s about to happen at Sandy Lane on Sky Sports 3!’

Further reason to watch goggle-eyed doesn’t take long to arrive when we learn of a “few changes to the track” which now excitingly sees a staggered start and finish line. Refreshingly this is, for once, a measure put in place for the always paramount issue of “rider safety” rather than just lip service, especially since the additional yards to the first corner might reduce the incidence of first bend tangles previously seen at the track. Jonathan draws the logical conclusion, “one thing’s for sure, there’s going to be a new track record!” A run through the team line-ups has Kelvin temporarily don a metaphorical doctor’s white coat to explain Ales Dryml’s brush with death last year after his televised crash which caused “that nasty, nasty life threatening injury” (it’s an insight that bothers Jonathan enough for him to return to it rather philosophically later, “I suppose when you’ve only been given a five percent chance of survival, everything is a bonus!”). We’re also to be treated to news of the hot stuff that is the present form of the Bees Rory Schlein who has “started the season on fire”.


Every week there’s one ‘new, big story’ that irrelevantly dominates every waking moment of the presentational team’s coverage of the live meeting. A fortnight ago it was the temperature (though Jonathan seems reluctant to ever leave aside this brilliant presentational device) and last week it was the track. Our trope of the night for this fixture is the news that Coventry have exactly the same team as they had in the 2006 season. This is unusual (but hardly a revolution) in speedway because of the continuous gerrymandering of team averages/strengths every winter but shrewd choices and some rider averages artificially held down by absence through injury has created this one-off opportunity for the Bees. Kelvin is almost mystically lyrical and burbles away delightedly, “we’ll talk about seven – seven riders retained from last year!” Jonathan is similarly keen to parade his insights and look to possible future excitement for the ‘new audience’ sat up at home on their sofas, “a lot of people are saying [who? the editor in his ear?] Coventry could come here and win!” before he goes on to identify that they might encounter some resistance from the Cheetah’s veteran Andy Smith “who’s always good for some points”. In case we’re in any doubt as to the magnitude of this fixture, Jonathan adds, “it’s a big night for Oxford [electricity and the railway have arrived in the town?] – lots of fans have come out to see them ride though it’s a cold night!”

In the commentary box Nigel is joined by the always bubbly mind reader ‘Sudden’ Sam Ermolenko who notes, “I don’t think there’s any kind of advantage in speedway unless you make the start” before he later shocks us with the revelation, “it’s all about winning races, you just have to get in front”. Obviously, Scott Nicholls and Sam share the same sports psychologist or a love of positive thinking since they mostly both strenuously try to avoid any public acknowledgement that the track conditions might in any way be really awful or use this as any sort of flimsy excuse for a poor performance. Though from race one, no riders wins a race from this gate and any rider who ventures onto the inside line of the track has his bike buck like a bronco while they enjoy a ride as smooth as you’d expect from a severely rutted or ploughed field. Scott remains adamant that you have to just “ride it hard”. It’s an insight that chimes with the invariably easily suggestible Jonathan even though he never has to ride a speedway bike, “keep riding it hard that’s good advice from Britain’s number one”. Nigel Pearson can’t help but inadvertently speak the truth when he verbalises the evidence of his own eyes, albeit with some understatement, “the riders seem to be taking it somewhat carefully in the early stages”. Sam briefly accepts the need to “battle the track” before he switches to the more gung ho, tough love ‘hear no evil, see no evil’ school of rider motivation, “you can’t blame the track” as everyone has to ride it. Nigel takes on board what Sam’s saying but just can’t quite shake his doubts throughout the meeting, “I can’t help but think that the track is more than playing its part!”

Luckily the viewers are distracted by an endless series of triumphant rides from the Coventry team that appears to have their riders win at will, whether or not they make the start or even when they’re lumbered with the ‘less effective’ inside gate positions. When Smolinski wins a race he thrusts out an arm (once) and then crosses himself – it’s an understated but deeply orgiastic celebration that captures Nigel’s imagination, “Smolinski knows how to celebrate!” It remains a tough track in a tough sport for tough men - when Olly Allen comes to grief Sam guesses that some discomfort might have resulted, “his face planted itself into the track a little bit”. To receive judgement on who’s to be held to blame for this fall we cut live to the small camera mounted in the referee’s box, where Mick Posselwhite is only too painfully aware that he’s about to be broadcast live on national telly so is inadvertently caught nervously and fastidiously smoothing his hair as though he has to cope with the recalcitrant curly locks that Russell Brand suffers from.

With the Oxford team providing an awful display to match the awful track, Nigel Pearson has to draw deeply on the reservoir of his speedway knowledge and professionalism to attempt to inject some excitement and to attempt to retain the flagging interest of the viewers. He cleverly suggests that live in the flesh speedway action is available around the country every night, highlights the first Super 7 meeting on Saturday and clutches the wonder of the team riding straw (“he continues to look across – that’s very clever”) when Schlein escorts Smolinski to another easily won five points for the Bees. In the season long battle to remain the bluntest knife in the drawer, the J & K dream team of speedway presenters then vainly search for things of interest no matter how blindingly obvious or banal they are. Kelvin puts on his deerstalker and gets out the magnifying glass to deduce from the action replays they painstakingly talk us through, “to be honest the track played its part there” before Jonathan wonders, “will the grading make that much difference?” Back in the commentary box by Heat 4, Nigel is reduced to calling a straightforward pass by Chris Harris, that’s followed by another equally pedestrian manoeuvre later in the same race by Smolinski, as “breathtaking speedway”.

There’s so little to talk about that Sam and Nigel accidentally spill the beans – in the manner of revealing that Father Christmas doesn’t exist to a small child - about Chris Harris’s chances of success in the Grand Prix series. “I think it’s going to be a bit of a tall order for him” appears politely optimistic compared to Sam’s, “he doesn’t really have the starting skills”. That has set up the thrill of watching the forthcoming 11 rounds of the 2007 GP series up a treat for the legion of patriotic armchair viewers and effectively holes the ‘Back the Brits’ campaign below the waterline before it’s even had the chance to set sail. When he has Bomber in the trackside booth, Kelvin tries to pick up the pieces, so eases in with a few of his pithy observations about the track (“it’s a bit tricky….you were bouncing around”) before he follows up with one of his trademark facilitating questions, “it’s a big season for you domestically and internationally – you must be excited?!” sadly this only elicits a sleepy, “yeh”. Later J & K double team Scott Nicholls to effectively savage his tarnished World Champion credentials with pointed mention about his historically poor performances in the recent few GP series. This cunning ruse forces out of him the tactful admission, “I’ve been disappointed and I know you have”. Kelvin is then forced to blather on about anything that comes into his mind that will appear later in the summer on Sky as though it heralds the Second Coming, “there are some exciting matches coming up on the international scene – what about the World Cup?”

Some of the Oxford riders appear to be sponsored by the ‘M4 Van Centre’ and spend most of the night on their own metaphorical hard shoulder. Mention of motorways and the bumpy condition of the track reminds me that when the M1 first opened the vibration from the road surface used to cause cars unused to such long drives to break down when the vibration caused screws to loosen and sheer off. Such is the state of the track tonight, they would struggle to get past the first bend at Oxford. Without Abi to break the monotony with a few wooden questions of her own in the pits, Jonathan is left to flounder during each break between the processional races like a goldfish thrown from his bowl. He even appears to become self-conscious about his lingua franca – the “obvious reaction” – when he accidentally utters what’s on his mind, “well, it’s an obvious reaction, three 5-1’s for Coventry it’s looking ominous”. It’s so bad that JG can’t believe that Sky haven’t already thought to put in a mid-meeting request to counter the boredom of the contest on display by further altering the rules to suit their own televisual purposes, “Kelv, do you think with the new tactical rules Oxford don’t really have a chance to come back?” KT is too busy humming the mantra of stability (“that continuity factor”) to contemplate any overhaul of the rules. It’s a wonderful insight and an irresistible theme that Sam also runs with “Coventry kept their same seven riders” before this theme again returns again to the booth were Jonathan Green reveals his belief that cleanliness is next to godliness, “Coventry look really together as a team…[they] walk out together, walk back together, the pits are clean!” Later he confuses the banal facts for statistics, “the only league team to keep the same seven – that’s an interesting statistic!”

In the booth Sam has been seized by his own brand of enlightened mysticism, “he was riding defensively not offensively as he should have been”. Nigel chunters back, “what fascinating insight – you’re the expert” in a tone of voice that suggests he means it but reserves the right not to believe it, if quizzed by the police about it later. On the subject of filth and offence, the peril of live interviews with verbally expressive speedway riders provides some entertainment when the important issue of team togetherness is further done to death, particularly when J & K interview the rejuvenated Billy Janniro. In his soothing American accent (compared to Sam’s more strident, betcha-by-golly-wow version), he gives us a real litany of the real and imaginary advantages: all know each other/how each other rides blah blah “we all have the same place in the pits, we take the piss out of each other”. J & K both pull expressions like they’ve drunk something that tastes bitterly awful and immediately end the interview sharpish. Kelv laughs nervously, “he he he – he’s full of it, isn’t he!” while Jonathan comes over all Mary Whitehouse and issues a fulsome apology to the viewers that would normally see him commit seppuku if he were Japanese, “I think he meant taking the mickey, it’s just his accent!” (I hesitate to think of the swearing by the editor in Jonathan’s ear) It obviously spooks the ultra urbane JG so much that he later apologies after another incident with Rory Schlein that, in fact, only actually happened in his suddenly remarkably vivid imagination, “we might have heard another word we shouldn’t have – I apologise once again!” What is it with this modern will-to-apology? Tony Blair expresses regret all over the place about long forgotten events but won’t admit that there might be contrary opinions about the Iraq conflict. Similarly, Jonathan contritely apologises for swear words that don’t happen but doesn’t ever utter a peep when the riders processionally race on substandard tracks or the demands of the GP television schedule gradually wrecks the vibrancy of British speedway.

Sadly, there is no mercy killing available for the Oxford fans unfortunate enough to be present in the stadium and even the uber-professional Nigel admits, “we’ve seen a scattering of decent racing now”. In the manner of someone preparing for an exam with some last minute rote learning he does find numerous but only slightly different ways to say, “it’s very, very rare that we see score lines like this!” The fact that the home side eventually hit a commonplace milestone nearly overcomes him, “Oxford hit the 20 point mark – that’s an achievement in itself”. Sadly, it’s an achievement too far for me and I switch off.

Possible New Venues for Speedway in London - Breaking News!

Rumours have reached a crescendo that the relentless campaign to find a new home for speedway within the capital has identified a couple of exciting new possible stadium targets!


A mystery man close to the search project, a Mr. D. Byrne said, “we are actively considering Upton Park because in recent years work has already taken place to shorten one side of the pitch and it has recently ceased to be viable for its original intended purpose. Plus, every cloud has a silver lining so England’s travails in the qualifying rounds for Euro 2008 means that the Wembley management will possibly face crowd shortfalls for future England games and we believe our innovative proposal to pay a handsome rent to run Conference League speedway in the stadium will create the much needed additional revenues.”

“Obviously we will fly this kite in the press, blather on about planning permission hurdles and transport plus, if need be, we will create an atmosphere of hope mixed with mystery before we talk of an appeal to the Minister for Sport and the European Court of Human Rights so that this sport of Kings can rightfully return to the capital. We are well-prepared since we have detailed plans drawn up on rice paper (sadly now eaten for shareholder confidentiality reasons), a 2002 AA Road Atlas and a London Transport tube map of London with giant arrows pointing at Wembley and Upton Park. We will leave no trumpet unblown (surely ‘stone unturned’ – ed.) in our quest!”

Pressed for further details Mr. Byrne denied he couldn’t face up to the facts, muttered “Qu’est-ce que c’est” before he later added “there’s a party in my mind and I hope it never stops”