BOGOF – “thanks to Morrisons the supermarket”

21st May


The pre-credits strap line for this meeting was billed as “a night fuelled on pure adrenalin”. This, you have to assume, would refer to the action on the track rather than in the interview booth with Jonathan and Kelvin. Part psychic, part sniffer dog Jonathan looks at the crowd and twitches with “a real sense of anticipation, a real buzz” before he concludes “you can really feel it tonight!” Everything is incredibly “triffic” for Kelv – “triffic turnout”, “triffic atmosphere and sense of anticipation”. Later Jonathan only has to glance down at his programme or script to get more even excited, “a night like tonight when you’ve got two very strong teams on paper”. In fact, the prospect of a clash between present Elite League leaders Coventry and the bookies champions elect Swindon is an appealing prospect in itself without need of too much hyperbole. Not that the lads in the presentation booth can help themselves, so deeply ingrained is this habit, Jonathan just knows, “it’s a big night, probably our biggest of the season so far”. Meanwhile Kelv just can’t help harping back to the disappointing fare served up to the viewers this season so far, “we haven’t had so much drama”.

No live speedway broadcast would be complete without some discussion of the weather but this week, luckily, this is kept to a minimum and, when handled by the invariably perceptive Chris Louis, actually adds something to the understanding of the viewer. I’m not sure that this is really allowed in the service standard agreement? After we’ve heard from Chris the almost weekly canard, “track conditions are absolutely perfect” we get some more useful detail about how the low cloud cover during the day has held in moisture into the surface shale but that the track curatorial team have got “water in the base”. Chris then proceeds to articulately bemoan the present fashion in the track preparation world that invariably sees a slick inside line matched with a “ripped up outside” (“it’s a Charlie Gjedde type track – slick on the inside, grip on the outside”). Consequently, Chris is worried that most weeks this approach effectively creates only one real racing line for the riders and, thereby, a lesser spectacle for the fans. Back in the Sky interview booth located adjacent to the pits, Kelvin echoes these concerns albeit more fatuously, “I just wonder whether bike set ups for the Swindon boys is gonna be tricky for them?” I understood that Elite League speedway riders were allegedly professionals and, as half of all their fixtures are away from home and the range of venues so limited, that they might have some vague idea how to prepare elsewhere?

With yet another Grand Prix this Saturday, the appearance tonight of the diminutive and square jawed Chris Harris provides Jonathan with another chance to play the nationalist card and reprise recent (rare) British success, “he has been sensational in his start to the GP campaign.” In reality Nicki Pedersen is the only rider to start his GP campaign sensationally, whereas though Chris very creditably far exceeded expectations in the Polish GP he scored only seven points in the opening round. When Kelvin chats to him, we learn that “superb” is the word used by Kelvin when something is even better than his by now slightly devalued overuse of the word “triffic”.

For once, there is drama from the off – in this case in the first bend of the first race when Mads Korneliussen falls from his bike only to have it follow Leigh Adams, as though he’s magnetic, and its front wheel clatter him on the back of his crash helmet. It surprises Leigh and also Nigel Pearson in the commentary booth who involuntarily provides his own sound effect with an exclamation of something that sounds like “BOFF!” He quickly recovers to marvel at the sight, “you don’t see that happening very often Chris! With a bike collecting another rider”. Chris is a delight to listen to all night for the insights he provides, “lucky the bike still had momentum and didn’t come down heavily on him”. Kelvin gives us more of what we’re used to – idle speculation and spurious comment masquerading as perspicacity – from his ringside position in the pits, “if that had collected round the neck that could have been a lot worse”. It’s all too much for Jonathan who tries to inform but instead asks a question so surreal and woeful it’s as though he’s reading from a spoof script I’ve provided for him, “what’s the rule on front wheels?” Well, I know they have to be round but Kelvin sagely remarks that there isn’t any before he distracts us all with some parsimonious blather about comparative levels of tyre wear between front and back wheels on speedway bikes, “I used to make the front one last all season.” Always from the spoon drawer, Jonathan immediately grasps the enormity of Kelv’s insight, “it’s the back one that’s important?” All this technical stuff bogs Greenie down so he switches back to the more comfortable presentational ground of the relentlessly anodyne, “they are coming here to win!” and “they’re going to be out in a minute cos the two minute warning is on”.

The rerun is won by Scott Nicholls though Nigel informs us that Leigh Adams nonetheless remains big news in Wiltshire, “Leigh Adams - who is a legend of Swindon”. Before the inevitable vacuity of the post race interview, Chris Louis embarrasses many others who’ve previously done his job of co-commentator by actually saying something of value and worth during the replay. Many others interpret their job as the right hand ‘colour’ man as a stream of consciousness retelling of the very replay pictures we all see at home (and that we’ve already just seen moments beforehand). Instead, Chris tells us that Scott prefers to use a “stiff clutch” and draws our attention to his pumping of the clutch in the vital first few yards of the race, “to do that with a broken thumb is a sterling effort!” Back on ‘Planet Banal’ as the interview booth could sometimes be christened, Scott is pressed on one of the immutable laws of speedway – even though it didn’t apply in this case and might not actually exist – namely the propensity of reruns to discriminate against the rider who lead the original running of the race. Scott is media savvy enough not to swear on air and thereby saves the viewers of any sight of the face that Kevin traditionally reserves for these occasions – his chewing a wasp face – when he laughs and guardedly comments, “they call it ‘something’ law.”

For once both teams have fielded seven riders and the heat 2 reserves provokes Nigel to observe, “the reserves have a vital part to play here Chris”. Again though Nigel is ‘out-insighted’ by Mr Louis, who is able to meaningfully add further useful detail to the evidence of our own eyes, “Chrzanowski has a lot of straight line speed”. I’m sure that lesser people on Sky will hijack this phrase (“straight line speed”) and soon render it meaningless through frequent and/or inappropriate application but, for now, I’m impressed with its descriptive powers. Nigel is left to flounder in his metaphorical wake but, in this slipstream, still massively outperforms the booth boys, “Ollie Allen closes the door – that was important!” Before the handover Mr Pearson slips more into tried and tested phrase territory with, “it just shows sometimes as a speedway rider [and fly?] you need eyes in the back of your head”. This allows Mr Green to segue effortlessly in with, “yeh, you need eyes in the back of your head”. It would be fun if moments before the handover Nigel would recite a nursery rhyme, spoonerism or the like (“red lorry, yellow lorry”) to test my mindless echo theory! The ever-investigative Kelv puts the victorious Ollie Allen on the spot with the real zinger, “tonight you’re looking for a win”. This provokes Ollie to reply, “yeh, we need to – we know how much this means to the fans”. Talk of the fans sets Nigel off in the commentary box in praise of the BOGOF philosophy, “good to see some promotional work [at Coventry] – buy one, get one free, kids under 15 free” before he appears to lapse into reading a handy nearby press release lifted from a management textbook or grant application, “making it work, trying to attract a new audience to speedway”. I’m not sure if Nigel is allowed to acknowledge the severe deleterious impact on crowds of the arrival of the Sky cameras at any speedway stadium (except play offs) unless, of course, the impact is massaged by entry is somehow or in some senses ‘free’ on the night. Plus, looked at coldly, Nigel implicitly seems to be saying that some promoters don’t really promote their clubs effectively but just fling the gates open Field of Dreams (“build it and they will come”) fashion? It transpires later that this BOGOF initiative is due to a canny link up with the nearest supermarket chain – Morrisons - to Brandon Stadium. Peter Oakes ostentatiously emphasizes this fact later, in lieu of some chatter, prior to the coin toss for gate positions before heat 15 with the phrase, “thanks to Morrisons the supermarket”. Straight after that plug, Scott Nicholls is captured stood in front of a backdrop that features a giant yellow and black Morrisons loyalty card. He looks somewhat self-conscious and has clearly been instructed to linger in the act of putting on his helmet so that precious ‘free’ airtime is provided. I love loyalty cards and have a Morrisons one, though they’re pretty hard to use in many parts of the country since this supermarket still remains a regionally based chain. But fair play to them for their sponsorship.

Back at the word face, Nigel reveals what he views to be the qualities required to be a ‘superstar rider’, “Rory Schlein has to be a GP rider of the future – he’s got the style, got the class, set up, outlook”. He’s a lucky man to have such a skill set and to ride for Coventry, where “week in and week out – [there’s] a great atmosphere here” and “they love their speedway”, Consequently, I imagine this is why, “riders want to ride for this club!” Nonetheless, this much bandied about ‘wanting’ phrase excites my curiosity since we never hear on Sky or elsewhere, “riders don’t want to ride for this club” when logically the need to highlight this virtue must imply that this isn’t universally always the case? Luckily, speedway’s new messiah, Cornishman Chris Harris, takes to the track - on a path of palm leaves laid from pit lane past the giant advert for the supermarket sponsor that we can never quite read - so Nigel can coo, “man of the moment in speedway, highly popular wherever he goes!” Fortunately the Bees boast quite a few demi-Gods among the mortals, “Rory Schlein – hugely popular…they’ll sell mega mega souvenirs in the shop here I’m sure!” We’re honoured to have them in town tonight because, “the top stars – their schedule is unbelievable” (Chris Louis chimes in at this point with the bitter voice of experience, “it’s the travelling that really gets you down”).

Even Chris Louis gets infected by the highly contagious Sky speedway cliché version of mad cow disease when he comments on Tomasz Chrzanowski, “he really is just going quick” and then Leigh Adams, “normally very fast from the start – so consistent”. However, these are rare blemishes and the Pearson/Louis combination quickly effectively cuts the Green/Tatum partnership adrift on the insight front, though Nigel intermittently finds old habits hard to break, “again some good speedway between these two sides” in a “close contest”. Though, to be fair, this is probably a condition of doing the job or heavily influenced by the instructions he receives via his headphones from the director of the show.

Back in the booth, reporter replacement is in effect for Sarra Elgin, so the lads step in with a great comedy interview (that’s actually much more fun and absorbing to watch than those with riders who have English as a mother tongue) with Tomasz Chrzanowski after one of his race wins, “happy – it’s my good meeting today”. Kelvin tries to clarify things a bit further by employing his usual tactic with foreigners, namely speaking loudly and slowly, “that was an important race, very important” while looking imploringly at Tomasz and nodding helpfully. Tomasz nods as though he sees the logic of this questioning. He even helpfully recognises a struggling interviewer when he’s presented with one - so he quickly wraps it up to a close with a smile and the reassurance, “everything is okay”. Sadly, the master linguist Greenie is unable to control his will to communication, so then steps in to confirm the end of the interview with his own attempt to reach out culturally, “CHIN – QUAY”. Luckily Tomasz has departed the booth and is probably much too relieved and way too polite to return to ask, “what the freak did you just say?” Jonathan appears inordinately satisfied with his brief foray into the key phrases lifted from his Monty Python Polish-English dictionary and only just about resisted trotting out some other key phrases from his stag weekend, “seventeen beers and have one yourself – you have lovely piersi!” Rather satisfied with himself, he smugly tells Kelv, “we need to make an effort to communicate in his language.” This stuff is beyond pastiche and it’s clever of Greenie to slip in such a fine example of post-modern irony. If earlier there had been a mandatory break for this weeks (sadly absent) ‘Kelvin in his Garage’ interlude to clarify some important technical detail (“legs are for walking”), then Jonathan could have mugged up on some other phrases to smooth the interview along in even more surreal fashion, “twoje oczy są jak dwa księżyce”, “jestem szczęśliwie żonaty”, “kurwa mac!” or “nie zrozum mnie źle”. *

The real obsession of the night is the overarching desire from Jonathan, Kelvin and Nigel for a “close contest” as though this were the Holy Grail of any speedway meeting. Even Chris Louis got caught up in this obsession, albeit more thoughtfully, “this score line is all about these points being scrapped for at the back.” Though the scores remain close throughout Jonathan frets and ossicilates from “everything was so close until that moment” to “it’s on a knife edge at the moment”. At this point I must highlight how weird it is that we can have such an entertaining meeting within the much maligned and oh so iniquitous existing 2007 regulations – you know the ones that permit only one tactical rider replacement ride - that the Sky team have banged on about changing all season! Surely, they should now realize that their advocacy of commercial self-interest would be better directed towards equalizing team strengths (the cake) rather than the froth of changing the colour of the icing?

Throughout, Nigel and Chris work interestingly together. One minute they pursue their own individual but complimentary word patterns on a particular theme – for example for Nigel Scott Nicholls “will grab a handful of dirt” whereas for Chris, “yeh, Scott just charged into the dirt and turned himself inside out”. At other times they disagree with the careworn familiarity of a couple in a long term but sometimes fractious relationship:
[NP] “Will there be a bit of pride at stake between Richardson and Harris?”
[CL] “I don’t think so!”
Otherwise, they pursue their own hobbyhorses. Consequently Nigel explains, yet again, “remember the bikes have no brakes, it’s all about throttle control” and harps on about what appears to be the equivalent of a speedway erogenous zone for him, “particularly the way he was looking over his shoulder, right shoulder, left shoulder”. He just can’t get enough of the “topsy turvy battle”, and remark “what a night” often enough or delight in the crowd reaction, “it’s no wonder they love their speedway these days at Coventry – look at the fans clap and show their approval” Finally the armchair audience witnesses a race – or more specifically the first lap of heat 13 – that easily justifies the season long use of high flown exaggerated praise, so Nigel’s “wow! What a race it doesn’t get much better than this!” is totally apposite and Chris marvels, more soberly, “all three of them riding abreast down the straight”. Tonight, all this to and fro in the commentary booth works well as a telly programme since, not only is the spectacle of the meeting exciting fare in itself, but also because together Pearson/Louis manage to Drop the Dead Donkey (or at least obscure it) of the millstone that is often the laboured contributions of the booth boys.

Jonathan has been reduced to making up pronunciations “Rory SchLEAN” or praising Leigh Adams as a “brave fella”, while Kelvin imposes his authority, “as I’ve said, and I’ll say it again, he has proved enormously important”. When they put their heads together to look ahead and marvel at the prospective line-ups in later heats Jonathan notes, “13 could be as big as this one!” Greenie even tries to generate one of his ‘we will fight them on the beaches’ riffs where we think we know what he’s trying to say but aren’t quite sure based on what we actually hear, “these are nights come September and looking back, these nights blah blah blah [loses train of thought] well, it could be massive!”

Kelv decides to look nonplussed in a helpful manner to ease the anxiety of the situation. Nonetheless Jonathan has his default setting of ‘grouchily moany’ temporarily changed to ‘delighted’ this evening, “we’ve been waiting all season for a last heat decider” and, when Swindon win the meeting with an unexpected 5-1, everyone except the Coventry fans (who don’t quite love their speedway that much) celebrates. For Chris, “its ‘Roy of the Rovers’ stuff” while rather ironically Nigel implies the Swindon lot are going slightly over the top, “the way they’re celebrating, you’d have thought they’d won the title”. “Yes, hugs all round” is Jonathan’s take on the unbridled joy that surrounds him. There’s still enough time to interview Leigh Adams so he can crack his trademark jokes and smile broadly. Actually, he’s a bit under the weather with cumulative injuries aggravated by the bike that bonked him on the head in heat 1, so actually has some justification for his taciturn, slightly put upon not-quite-Mr-Charisma demeanour. Nonetheless, it’s always a delight to hear him talk about himself in the third person and his use of the ‘Royal we’ always charms, “we just get on with it!” Even despite these quirks, he’s a sage observer and no nonsense interviewee who we could do with in the commentary booth when his career finally stalls, “we’ve been looking at Coventry’s results and we thought they’d been a bit lucky”. In the presence of greatness Kelvin tries to flourish his insight and entertain the viewers with a rather recondite ‘what if’ retrospective debate about the various possible results scenarios that different choice of gate positions in heat 15 might have produced. As the race is over and the meeting is won, Leigh quite rightly has no truck with such posturing and time wasting irrelevances, “you know – it really doesn’t matter – we’ve got the points in the bag!” With Leigh gone and the credits about to roll, all that’s left is to look ahead:
[JG] “Belle Vue versus Wolves – could that be a last heat decider?”
[KT] “I think so!”



21st May Coventry v Swindon 44-46
* “your eyes are like the moon”, “I’m happily married”, “for freaks sake” or “don’t get me wrong”. Sadly I couldn’t find the infamous, “my nipples are exploding with passion!” “there’s a real sense of anticipation” or “both sides really want to win this one!”

"We’ve had a lot of wet rain”

14th May

According to Jonathan, just like the hyperbole, absolutely everything is “huge” this week - we join the “huge crowd as always” at Monmore Green to apparently find “British speedway on a huge high” inspired by Chris ‘Bomber’ Harris. Kelvin is now of the opinion, “he’s young he’s got his future ahead of him”. To think it was only a few short weeks ago that Nigel Pearson predicted, “I think it’s going to be a bit of a tall order for him [at the GP’s]” and Sam noted, “he doesn’t really have the starting skills”. Still they say a race, never mind a meeting, is a long time in speedway.

Rather wonderfully, the track is apparently ideal for racing speedway – Jonathan notes, “absolutely perfect track conditions” and Sam chortles, “Mother Nature has done its part, it’s absolutely perfect in my opinion”. Ever keen to show his technical prowess, Kelvin highlights the “lime stone dust” mixed into the surface. Sam acknowledges but discounts its overall impact, “that’s right – it’ll probably play a part with lesser riders in heats two and eight”. Someone who’s not only not a “lesser rider” but also an intelligent one to boot is the wry and philosophical Peter Karlsson, who quickly discounts the psychological impact of recent defeats on the Wolves team, “tonight’s a new night, we seldom look back to the past”. This claim irks Jonathan – always a stickler for exactitude - who asserts, “I think it is playing on their minds!” before he highlights, “once again those first four heats will be telling the tale”.

Tony Millard is in top form tonight playing with his new mispronunciation of the ref’s name (“ref Davey Waters”) that he soon extends to include those with similar surnames (“Davey Watters”) and a life lesson, “William Lawson trails in last but will have benefited from the situation”. A brief glance at Nicki Pedersen allows Sam to conclude, “it’s all about getting out of the start.” The in form Dane celebrates his victory with a strange wave to the crowd as though he’d expected a ventriloquists dummy on his arm but, finding it not there, decides to improvise. In the pits, having easily held off the challenge of PK, Nicki echoes a character from the Fast Show and gives a flash of his dry humour, “I knew that he was going to stay on the inside and not go round the outside, so that was nice!” Kelvin is appreciative of the sheer success of the man, “he doesn’t spend any time cleaning bikes just driving them.” Cameron Woodward wins the next race (“my best ever score here with that win!”) but modestly claims to Sarra, “I was pretty ordinary” before being inevitably forced into cliché by the questions, “we’re coming here to try to win the meeting”. Stefan Andersson painfully pulls a muscle – later we almost see Eastbourne club physio Jane Wooler applying ice to the general region - and Jonathan helpfully notes, “they need those muscles” before Doctor Kelvin dons his metaphorical white coat to helpfully explain, “it’s the nature of the sport – you twist yourself inside out going round the corner”.

In heat 4, Cameron loses control on the fourth bend and inadvertently spears Freddie Lindgren who then proceeds to go through the fence with enough velocity to decimate it, wreck his bike and wind himself. Never one to leave the obvious unstated if the chance presents itself, Jonathan notes, “the air fence made a big difference there” before Sam up’s the perspicacity and notional on air swear word quotient with, “any hard crash is a bummer for a racer.” Before he sensibly adds, “better the bike damaged than a rider”. The delay to fix the safety furniture is so prolonged that Jonathan has no choice but to ponder life’s big questions namely - what is the psychological impact for a rider the next time they pass the section of fence they’ve just crashed through? Kelv is pointedly matter of fact and doesn’t get hung up with such namby pamby, touchy feely concepts like feelings, “it’s a good question that’s not easy to ansa – it’s your job, your living!” Jonathan struggles to find an explanation for Cameron’s inexplicable loss of control, “the track’s still a bit greasy – we’ve had a lot of wet rain!” Many commercial breaks are taken, the GP revisited ad nauseum and the ongoing repairs just about provide an enthralling spectacle, “well, they’re still mending the fence here at Wolverhampton”. Kelvin fills the time by adding his own unique sound effects to the slow motion replays of the crash, “ram bam bang.” Jonathan tries to help the slower witted armchair viewers conceptualise the experience of such a crash (or become Brian Harvey, the ex-singer of East 17) but fatally misjudges his descriptive powers, “if you’re not sure how that feels, drive in your at 40 mph and jump out”.

Just filling the unexpected time is an issue. Nicki Pedersen comes over all weights and measures when interviewed, “each GP is 9% so we’ve done 18%” before he alludes to the secret of his recent success (“it was the 8 kilos I lost over the winter”) in the form of a close season of strenuous exercise and an unexplained wonder diet. When quizzed on Bomber he says, “he’s not got that fear – he doesn’t think he’s in the GP!”

The weird inversion of values that the need to rush on with the meeting collectively causes for the Sky presentation team means that they spend far more time talking about the damage to the fence and Lindgren’s bike than they do about the stricken Cameron Woodward (who withdraws from the meeting with his best ever score with a suspected broken collarbone and possibly chipped ankle). The fence is repaired so slowly and so fastidiously that either it will rival the Pyramids as a feat of engineering ingenuity or it’s gamesmanship. Even Jonathan begins to harbour darker suspicions, “rumour has it that the fence with be ready when Lindgren’s bike is ready”. Luckily Kelvin’s ears are on red alert, “I think we can hear it now!” “Oooh we are cynical!” laughs Jonathan without apparent guilt. Talk moves onto Edward Kennett and quickly Kelv gets all wistful, “he’s suddenly matured, he was just a little kid” which causes Jonathan to echo in Chancy Gardner fashion, “he’s grown up with speedway, he’s been around as long as I have been around”. I’m not exactly sure how long Jonathan has “been around” but this is either an exaggeration or reveals that, despite years of interest, he’s successfully remained comparatively unencumbered with facts and insights. We’re then treated to what Jonathan this week renames, “Kelvin’s tidbits”. This features an ‘analysis’ of “the frame” – apparently the geometrically shaped thing made with tubular metal that they attach the wheels, big silver shiny things to (the engine?), the brightly coloured mudguards with the optional glitter effect to and the saddle. Filmed in his shed-cum-garage, Kelvin throws off his usual severely put upon air and appears happy enough on film to be slightly more spontaneous, “if it’s too soft, you’ll be going like a banana!” Afterwards even Jonathan can’t help but scoff, “ridden a few bananas in your life?” In the piece itself, Kelv ploughs on regardless making judicious attention to the frame sound like the speedway equivalent of Viagra, “it IS a fine line between making it too stiff and too soft”.

With both of their reserves indisposed, the contest is effectively ended for Eastbourne as the Eagles can only put out one rider in six of the remaining races. Nonetheless, it mystifies PK and, through his comment, you gather that small talk might not be a vital ingredient in the home side of the Monmore Green pits, “I don’t know what happened to the fourth guy…no info or anything”. Jonathan vainly tries to add drama through his ornate descriptions of the psychological anxiety he believes the crash scene will cause for the more impressionable riders. Lewis suffers a slight loss of control on the fourth bend that, when shown on the replay, causes Greenie to claim, “you could see it in his eyes”. Billy Hamill subsequently betrays his North American roots with some spontaneous management speak about the surface, “the track’s pretty difficult with some soft spots – creates opportunities”.

Heat 7 is notable for the fact that Dave Watters refuses to rerun the race when replays clearly show that Lindgren’s footrest stripped the chain from Davey Watt’s bike when he slewed across before the first corner. It was an incident that the referee – until television evidence showed otherwise – understandably mistook as it happened as an engine failure. However, afterwards on the phone to Trevor Geer, Dave Watters is adamant that he won’t/can’t rerun the race as it had finished. You have to wonder if this firm stance is for the benefit of the cameras or an attempt to stamp his authority on proceedings when ‘natural justice’ would have dictated a rerun? Interestingly, it demonstrates that he is completely inconsistent in his decision making since the SAME REFEREE reran heat 6 at Brandon Stadium (also featuring Davey Watt) after it had finished because of a gate malfunction he was only told about (by Peter Oakes) – but didn’t see. This appalling decision changed the course of that meeting and, with Dave Watters at the controls, it appears he only reruns completed races for incidents he only hears about but then doesn’t for incidents where he has actual visual evidence. Also, if we accept his ruling that races should never be rerun after they’ve concluded, then surely his decision at Coventry is null and void, so the meeting should be rerun? Perhaps, since he’s been involved in both incidents and appeals, Trevor Geer’s natural calm and politeness is taken for granted by Dave Watters. Who knows? Davey Watt manages to restrain himself (when interviewed by Sarra) on air as he watches clear evidence of foul play on the replay, “I’m not going to say the word I wanted to say there!”

There are further delays to the already protracted running of this meeting when the starting gate develops problems (“the electrics have failed”). In the absence of a second gate mechanism or reserve equipment, it’s a situation eventually solved with the use of an old fashioned technology, namely a piece of elastic. This is held and then released by a referee that expert Tony Millard confidently identifies as “Paul Ackroyd”, though in fact the person in question looks remarkably like Chris Durno. With a severely reduced line up (only four available riders) the resultant home win is predictable but, strangely, the Eagles eschew the full range of tactical options available to them when Trevor decides not to use a tactical substitute (off 15 metres) in heat 14. Afterwards, a taciturn Peter Adams pointedly notes, “I expected to see Nicki Pedersen off a handicap and I was pleased he weren’t”. Nicki also doesn’t appear in the nominated final heat either and we’re informed by Trevor Geer, “Nicki’s not happy with the start procedure so he’s not coming out in the last”.

Rather ominously, Jonathan suddenly remembers he’s supposed to engage his critical faculties when he works as a journalist, “could we not have asked more of British speedway tonight?” It’s arguably a very pertinent question and, as though it was pre-planned, one that Kelvin seizes upon with great alacrity when he lists problems with the “start gate”, the lengthy “repair of the fence” and that “the elastic didn’t look good on TV”. Though, obviously, Jonathan and Kelvin have vested interests since they are both paid by Sky Sports, they only ever really seem to exercise the opportunity to criticise upon issues that directly relate to the commercial interests of their employers (eg, grumbles about the revised 2007 tactical ride rules or his own bete noir the need for “close meetings”) and suddenly become mute on other ‘serious’ issues (e.g. the meeting at Birmingham two nights later would never have run, let alone finished, without the presence of the Sky cameras – since they’re effectively ensuring the riders compete in ‘dangerous conditions’ J&K repeatedly praise the riders rather than demand an abandonment). Nonetheless, if you discount their clearly vested interests, it would appear that there is some dissatisfaction with the product that the contract holding broadcasters are getting served up with on a weekly basis from the sport. Personally, I’d say that it’s a case of ‘buyer beware’ situation and that the rough comes with the smooth, plus they’re not exactly blameless themselves since Sky influenced tinkering with the regulations of the sport has had some unforeseen consequences. Plus it’s the inevitable logic of the standard Sky presentational style predicated upon their apparent editorial policy to indulge in gratuitous hyperbolic exaggeration of the drama, crashes and controversy (even, often, when they don’t exist). Despite all this, speedway presently needs to ensure Sky Sports are interested in and content with what they’re getting given to show. The Elite League results and table this season does show a huge gulf in existence between the successful clubs and the vast majority also rans – there are almost echoes of the dominance of Celtic and Rangers in the Scottish Premier League – which, on some levels, affects the entertainment levels offered on television and live at the meetings themselves. This is a serious problem for the sport that will require hard (and probably flawed/bodged if past performance is any judge) decisions over the winter at the BSPA annual conference. These are possible changes that it appears Sky Sports are trying to get their tuppenceworth worth and retaliation in on first.

14th May Wolves v Eastbourne (ELA) 52-41

“We apologise to any viewer who might have seen something that might have disappointed them”

7th May

I had to tape this meeting as I actually went to Smallmead and, because I spent some time in the pits also, I had the ideal chance to compare the ‘live experience’ to the ‘televised experience’. I’m not exactly sure what was going on with the transmission in my area but, sadly, until heat 2 the screen was filled with a freeze frame of a one-day cricket match. You could tell it was that by the brightly coloured clothing and the match had been caught frozen in time with Lancashire on 30-1 – who they were playing I don’t know - with five 4s and no 6s making up this total. Consequently, I was deprived of pictures for around the first quarter of an hour so was able to concentratedly bathe in the aural delight that is the trademark of a typical Sky Sports speedway presentation.

Jonathan Green immediately thrills me with the news, “yes, there’s a bonus point up for grabs” though with a margin of 17 points between the teams you wouldn’t really expect it to come into play. A review of the team brings out the pyromaniac in Kelvin once more, “Mark Lemon has started the season absolutely on fire and has fired himself to second place in the averages!” Kelvin is quite excited tonight and indulges in a bit of early hyperbole, “Matty Zagar one of the MOST EXCITING riders in the world - full time GP rider [wow, he must be amazing] – on his night, when he’s in full flow, there’s no better sight.” Jonathan has a weird form of ‘broadcast tourettes’ where instead of expletives his mind unconsciously seizes upon whatever has just been said so that he can instantly repeat it (or a key phrase) back again as though stumbling on an original insight, albeit often with a slight change in the word order. News of the thrill ahead prompts Jonathan to observe, “maybe he’ll be fired up to have a good night on TV!” Kelvin has moved on to bigger fish, “Nicki Pedersen – we can’t not mention him, the form rider throughout the world.” Luckily his co-presenter has learnt a thing or two and so counsels caution with a nuanced reading of the Eastbourne team sheet, “it’s never in speedway a one man team – Dave Norris, they’re gonna miss him tonight, aren’t they?” Jonathan has got the ‘broadcast tourettes’ thing so bad tonight since he starts picking up on his own metaphors, “our team are ready and willing…”


No televised meeting would be properly contextualised without extensive meteorological insight more appropriate to the weather channel – albeit without the wonderful graphics, though Kelvin could turn his hand to them I’m sure. Jonathan introduces Sam ‘Mind Reader’ Ermolenko, “Sam, it was raining earlier but conditions are perfect now, how is it on the track?” Shockingly it transpires, “it’s one of those tracks where you have to make good starts!” A keen student of the climate himself, Kelvin probes deeper, “there’s really a strong wind here tonight Sam, how’s that gonna affect track conditions?” “I think it’s gonna play a big part.” Ever keen to demonstrate his expertise, Jonathan bigs up the insight Sam can provide about Smallmead, “Sam certainly knows what’s here at Reading, he’s been here for so long!” Well, to be exact, in a British Speedway career that lasted from 1983 to 2005 Sam rode for many clubs: Poole, Wolves, Sheffield, Belle Vue, Hull and Peterborough. He would have rarely ridden at Smallmead, though he was Sporting Director at Reading in 2006 so, in typical Sky speedway coverage fashion, Jonathan is confusing what has just happened recently with tradition and history – thereby mistaking it for extensive experience and exaggerating its significance.

They can’t wait to interview Nicki and, when Sarra catches him, he’s in Zen philosopher mode, “in speedway you never know – it’s a tough world!” When pressed about the Eagles away form – no wins in seven matches – he’s hopeful, “I don’t think we’ve been winning any away this year, but we’ve been trying hard!” Sarra fully understands, “it’s crucial to get those home wins, isn’t it?” Greg Hancock is much more ‘New Age’ in his outlook, “we can bounce back from the negative thoughts and negative press!” With a wise head on old shoulders, Kelvin advises against rash or undue anxiety, “it’s never easy – it’s a long season – this is not the time to panic.”

Tony Millard is in the commentary booth painting word descriptions of great beauty and intensity for the armchair viewers before he hands over to ‘Play It Again’ Sam Ermolenko for his thoughts on the first race. “You’ve kind of told the story already” Sam tetchily observes before, ever the professional and unafraid to say the obvious or repeat things, proceeds to tell it to us all over again. Back in the pits after a first heat win, Nicki bats off idle talk of the ease of his victory, “not at all – this track is not really for me, I prefer the big tracks”. Sarra then refers to the supposed significance of this meaningless win over Greg as ideal preparation for the Wroclaw Grand Prix on Saturday, “I’ve a few days to go before then, so I’m not thinking of that now!” Jonathan seizes on this insight, “you know [nervous laugh] you forget that they’re riding all week [you do?] – Saturday is a long way away yet and there’s lots of races to go!” The cricket picture is finally replaced by the transmission from Smallmead, just in time for me to see Kelvin look meaningfully ahead and say, “he’s the best I’ve ever seen him” before he pauses for effect and goes on to blather that Nicki’s operation has “rejuvenated him”. Pictures of feverish work on a bike in the pits immediately strikes a chord with Kelvin and prompts him to turn teacher and explain, “he’s turning the spring pressure in to give him more bite off the start”. It’s all too technical for even Jonathan to vacuously join in with, so instead he stares off into the distance for a moment and then changes the subject, “conditions look set for some good speedway!”

Sam is sulking in the booth by refusing to mind read and by not making outlandish predictions. The sight of Cameron and Lewis leading heat 2 surprises Tony Millard but not his colleague, “I kinda felt that was going to happen but I didn’t want to say it Tony.” Cameron then makes a mistake that Sam conspicuously doesn’t comment upon. Though he only finishes third in the race, the young Australian is then interviewed by Kelvin, who relishes the chance to parade some advanced technical insight, “getting that bike set up is probably crucial?” No sooner has the reply “definitely” left Cameron’s mouth than Jonathan shoos him away, “listen, you said set ups are important, we’ll let you go and get yours ready for the next race.” Before he turns to Kelvin and says, “it’s going to be very important how you set the bike up!” Kelvinworld has moved on, “yeh, the points count the same, of course!” but Jonathan persists as though he’s discussing the wear and tear of the wicket before the last day of a deciding Test match, “how much will the track do, do you think?” “It will come more consistent – consistently slick!” says Kelv gnomically before he sympathises with God, “it’s a bit of a track creator’s nightmare!” It’s not often you hear about divine intervention at speedway.

Back in the commentary booth perched high above the start line, Sam is still hurting before heat 3, “I’ll say what I really think now”. He then goes on to utter the sort of convoluted, enthusiastic ‘buddy’ type thing that we’ve grown used to previously, so it’s hard to tell truth from fiction. And, I must say, a bit of a shock (on par with the non-existence of Father Christmas) to learn that he’s previously chuntered on with extraneous details and verbal wallpaper that he didn’t really believe in!

After Lewis loses control of his bike, slams into a Reading rider and is excluded, Jonathan brings his intelligence to bear on the issue of track conditions and, since it’s a fresh stream of consciousness unprompted by the recent utterings of others, he struggles a bit to master his thoughts. Consequently, he wonders aloud whether referee’s should depart from the regulations of the sport, as outlined in the SCB rulebook, and adopt a more free-floating looser interpretation and thereby, “make allowances like they do in football” when tackles are rash in slippery conditions. After ruminating that, “riders know track conditions better than referee’s” he moves onto bigger questions, “may be he walks the track or may be he doesn’t?” Well, actually, they all do as part of the mandatory inspection regime before any meeting, which he’d have known if he’d bothered to open his eyes in the hours before transmission. Kelvin ignores this since he has suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune at the hands of officials everywhere, “really, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one change their mind!”

Tony Millard delights in the small gestures, “the wheelie of celebration, the Reading fans are going to enjoy that!” Sam’s special mind reading powers have deserted him completely, “I think Lewis has his own feelings about that but, at the end of the day, the ref made his decision”. Before heat 5 Tony Millard asks, “Nicki Pedersen to win – do you fancy that?” In reflective but contrary mode all night, Sam notes, “that goes without saying, I do fancy that.”

There are shock revelations about the shale surface to come from Kelvin, “track conditions aren’t easy, so emphasis on starting is huge!” Jonathan couldn’t agree more, “once again Greg Hancock proving that starts are so important!” The ceaseless innovation that characterises Sky’s speedway coverage continues with a new segment that features their resident shale boffin. Jonathan excitedly explains the ‘concept’, “ Kelvin’s ‘Bite Sized Bike Bits’ will teach us a little bit more about the nuances of speedway.” One innovation replaces another in Kelvinworld, so with echoes of the mad old man with the wild hair and poor dress sense from the ‘Fast Show’ (who emerges from the outside lavatory to say with profundity “this week I shall mainly be talking about menstruation/treacle tarts/paint etc”), this week Kelvin will explain to excited viewers the concept of “the clutch”. When they say “Bite Sized”, this is in fact a short hand for an extremely brief interlude during which Kelvin says technical words slowly to allow them to sink in and thereby enable us to understand them. Apparently filmed in a garage converted into a workshop, Kelvin visibly appears much more confident and at ease surrounded with inanimate objects than we’ve become used to on televised race nights. The segment is actually so abridged that we only learn the bare essentials about “the clutch”, namely, “it’s a high maintenance area”, “each rider will have his own requirements” and, said in a tone of voice usually reserved for discussions of the death penalty or an outbreak of nuclear conflict, “if it’s wrong it’ll COST you, if it’s right it can ENABLE YOU to win plenty of races.” The bit where he spoke about “bite” captivated Jonathan the most, “when it bites, yeh?” The programme then continues so we don’t learn about future topics to be covered in “bite sized” bits but, I imagine, they’ll be things like “Gloves” (“Many riders have different sized hands so not all gloves are the same. They come in different colours too and they help keep the riders hands clean. Each glove has room for four fingers and a thumb. Shale can be dirty but also scratch your hand if you fall off your bike without them on” “it keeps off the dirty shale, yeh?”) and “crash helmets” (“many riders have different sized heads and hairstyles so not all crash helmets are the same. They come in different colours - often with stripes down the side or funny painted patterns - and sometimes have small pointy bits on top to help the air flow past the helmet efficiently, like it does on fighter planes, to make them go quicker. The helmet is made from a solid material – listen while I tap it - so it doesn’t hurt so much if a rider bumps his head on the hard ground. They are padded inside with foam type materials that come in different colours.” “Are blue ones best, yeh?”).

Heat 7 has Danny Bird awarded third place when (live) it looked like it should have been Kevin Doolan. Eagles team manager Trevor Geer is mystified by the decision and appeals to the programme deities for justice, “we’ve already filled in our programmes – I know we’re not in line [like the ref is]” Jonathan can’t resist some rapier like humour, “you could say he has an eagle eye, huh huh!” before he comes over all serious, “it was a close heat, I think it’s going to be a close match”. After the next commercial break, he’s even more convinced, “I think it’s gonna be a close match”, though Kelvin speculates, “I think heat 8 is gonna be key to this match!” Sam helpfully explains rider psychology, “I think Lewis is not going to give up and neither will Kolodziej”. Stefan Andersson wins and, interviewed afterwards, tells Kelvin, “I have an engine that’s working – your brother [Neville] has done it for me.” Jonathan congratulates Stefan on the importance of the race win, “you really needed that”, but confuses him, “I don’t know what the score is? We’re winning?” Kelvin just can’t talk the meeting up enough, “I tell you what, it’s a triffic match!”

There’s nothing like expert analysis, so when heat 9 is stopped because of an absent paramedic, Jonathan turns to Kelvin and asks, “I presume all four back in that one?” Well used to working with his partner and, without so much as a glance at a calendar to check if it’s April 1st, Kelv reassures us that all four will indeed be back. The need for aural wallpaper and the Sky broadcast team obsession to identify a key race (I forget which one) beforehand has seized Tony Millard, “that, perhaps, now will be the decisive heat of this meeting?” Jonathan decides to briefly big up the forthcoming Grand Prix, “wow! We’ve got a great GP series this year!” It’s an interesting claim to make after one round and strongly implies, though a word was never breathed at the time in case it frightened the natives, that some other years have been closer to execrable than entertaining.

Sarra has grabbed a few words with an unshaven and laconic Floppy in the pits who explains his absence, “I’ve bashed me head for the third time in a row this year.” He admits to frustration, not being the best spectator and a bothersome practical matter, “I’m supposed to be earning money here tonight!”

Matej beats Nicki, Sam ‘Madame Petrolenko’ Ermolenko strokes his crystal ball before he confesses that his ‘special’ psychic powers have deserted him about ‘sleeping beauty’, “I would never have guessed…Matej Zagar has woken up and is riding that bike like he’s stolen it from somebody, if you know what I mean?” Interviewed afterwards, Matej provided some unexpected entertainment when he looks ahead to the latest GP, “I’m gonna kick some ass” provokes a pained and askance stare from Kelvin – as though someone farted loudly at the vital bit of a moving funeral service - straight and deep into the camera at the merest mention of the A-word. Ever professional, Jonathan steps in to translate, “he’s gonna kick some butt he says,” before he then affects a passable American accent and playfully imitates Sam, “he rode the bike like he stole it.” Perhaps, he could do impersonations instead of repeating what’s just been said at future meetings?

All is not well in the box with the relentless over promotion of the contest, “this was exciting” provokes Sam to say, “yes, it was” unconvincingly. Tony hopes for better luck on the handover, “this match is very much alive” and Jonathan echoes the call, “yeh, no doubt about it.” Interesting that the score line shows that the teams are presently apart by 10 points on the night, so their level of excitement would probably exceed fever pitch if it were closer. Ever keen to learn more and just say the first thing that enters his head, Jonathan asks Kelv, “I just wondered – have you ever done a wheelie like that?” “No, I haven’t – just looking at it frightens me!” In a delightful malapropism, Kelvin then mentions the Scottish Eagles team manager, “Trevor McGeer” (“When we’ve got a full team we’re capable of beating anyone, when that will be I don’t know”) - about to be interviewed by Sarra in the pits – but, ever the professional, he carries on without correcting himself in the hope no one has noticed.

Before the last heat has even been raced, the overview begins:
[JG] “It was a great meeting.”
[KT] “It’s all about pulling the right move on the first turn.”
[JG] “It’s been a great meeting though, hasn’t it?”
[KT] “Yeh, there’s been some super stuff!”

Interviewed a few heats before he’s controversially excluded in heat 15, Nicki has adopted the ‘Royal We’, “it’s not my favourite track…we’re not feeling comfortable but we’re doing our best.” After a shove from Zagar and slightly delayed subsequent fall that results in his exclusion, Nicki trudges back across the centre green and, typical of the Sky Sports camera work at speedway, his parting wave of acknowledgement to the Reading fans is missed because it’s just out of shot. Nonetheless Tony Millard apologises, “we apologise to any viewer who might have seen something that might have disappointed them at the end of that heat!” Perhaps, they could adopt it as the slogan for the show every week? It’s getting more noticeable that the Sky speedway team are frightened to offend with words spoken and gestures given in the heat of the moment, but are happy to do so with the relentless banality of their hyperbolic insight. Tony Millard still has time to mangle the name of the referee, who temporarily becomes Dave Watter. Sensibly the referee refuses to speak with Nicki or rescind his decision, so afterwards is allegedly accused of the heinous crime of smiling on telly by Bob Brimson.

Jonathan knows what he has just seen, “some great speedway” and Kelvin agrees, “we got some great action – the score doesn’t really reflect that!” Seconds before the montage and credits roll, Jonathan tries out a new explosive nickname when he christens Pedersen, “Nitro Nicki”.

7th May reading v Eastbourne (ELA) 54-38

Why Speedway Is So Special, Part 174

From BSPA website - Fours Update Friday 11 May 2007

Unfortunately, fairground rides for the children have had to be cancelled but late plans are in place for face painting and entertainment.


Wonderful!

He's not even on his second bike

30th April

It’s a sunny night in Swindon and the Sky Sports camera pans across Blunsdon Stadium to reveal packed terraces. Once again this week, Jonathan Green explains why the presence of the cameras hasn’t – as is traditional - decimated the audience, “they’ve brought in the crowd with special deals”. It’s not exactly a surprise that the speedway at Swindon is well attended because, ever since the news of the closure of the Abbey Stadium was revealed, it has been widely acknowledged in the speedway world that they’ve been having excellent attendances (thereby bucking the trend).

Kelvin has glowered at his crystal ball and assures the armchair fans that this Robins versus the Panthers is a “nicely balanced match this one”, despite the evidence to the contrary in the form of the 23 point deficit from the fixture raced in Peterborough that makes the destination of the aggregate bonus point an almost foregone conclusion. He then asserts, “every time the champions are raced, teams are gonna lift themselves!”

Even though Sarra has only appeared a few times, she now apparently has been fatally infected with the banality virus that runs rampant throughout the broadcast team. In a pre-recorded interview so they can have as many takes as they need to get it right and vaguely interesting, she says rhetorically to Leigh Adams, “tonight’s an important night for you guys?” He immediately reminds us, “let’s not forget they’re League champions” as if this is somehow now relevant in 2007. If it’s a live speedway broadcast, just as analysis is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘statement of the bleeding obvious’ telling you what you’ve just seen with your own eyes - and its endless repetition (usually a couple of extra times but with the additional help of slow motion) - then questioning is invariably assumed to be a stumble from one canard or platitude to the next. Sarra insightfully poses the question of “pressure” – not of the meteorological (high/low) or air (tyres/fence) variety – but the millstone the Robins collectively allegedly suffer through being the widely held bookies and pundits favourite to win the Elite League. Rather than bat it off with a ready drafted platitude, Leigh takes an honest and contrarian stance, “I guess it does – we haven’t really gelled as a team, especially away from home.” Sarra then monsters fresh faced Hans Andersen with a real zinger, “you haven’t won away from home since March!” As the season only started in mid-March and it’s now the end of April, this is hardly catastrophic never mind they’ve only ridden five away EL fixtures (W1 L4) or that they’ve won the same number of away EL fixtures as Swindon (one). Patently, it’s just a question to fill the time, create a ‘story’ and not provide any real insight. The stock in trade of any broadcaster – despite protestations and mock outrage to the contrary – are problems and controversies – the more the merrier or, at least, the higher the viewing figures and the happier the advertisers.

The big news and drama of this speedway night has already taken place before the cameras rolled and, sadly, hasn’t been caught for posterity – namely, the sudden fire that engulfed Hans Andersen’s “number one” bike in the pits. No second invitation is required to trot out a few fire related puns about “red hot” Hans and his equipment, indeed Jonathan Green soon warms to the opportunity provided, “we’ve often used the expression ‘Hans Andersen is on fire’ and he literally was”. Er, actually, he literally wasn’t, his bike was! When news filters through that shock-horror Hans will have to borrow a bike (from Iversen) it rages like a forest fire as a topic to chatter about. Kelvin talks about this incident in a tone that implies he’s lost a much loved but distant relation, “that’s far from ideal” before we learn the borrowed bike has a “different engine [GM], handlebars and seat position”. It probably has different coloured mudguards too but Kelv is still too shocked to mention this, “coming out on borrowed equipment, that’s just not the way he’d want to start a meeting!” In the commentary box, Johnno believes “it’s not ideal to go out on a strange bike” and Nigel Pearson thinks it’s “far from ideal preparation” when you have to face Leigh Adams on his home track. His subsequent talk that the taciturn Aussie is “the master of Blunsdon” is clear evidence that the Millard book of clichés lays open beside him in the commentary booth. The fact that Andersen has chosen not to use the second bike that he has brought along with him also generates endless further chuntering.

Hans finishes second on a bike without any sign of stabilisers and Jonathan just can’t contain himself any longer in the handover to Sarra for the interview with the victorious Leigh Adams, “I’m sure you’re as curious as I am – what’s the track like?” We then learn it’s “a bit choppy” because they “struggle to get the water into it” – something of an understatement as the track alleged had a bone dry surface and difficulty filling the Blunsdon bowser meant that additional supplies of the wet stuff wasn’t readily available to rectify this state of affairs (or stop the subsequent dust). It’s a theme Nigel effortlessly picks up on in the next race, “a choppy track to be fair – difficult conditions”. We’re not exactly spoilt for exciting races or overtaking after the first bend in the first few races, so these can’t - even on Sky where hyperbole is always stratospheric - realistically be hailed as the best speedway races ever seen. Consequently Nigel has to finesse things for the viewer with some flowery but bland comment. So we’re treated to a mock debate (“I say the best rider around never to win a world title, what do you say Johnno?”), a comparison of the disposition of riders (“always got a smile on his face”), some verbiage (“as the bikes roar and referee Chris Durno lets the tapes go high”), speculative interpretation (“Richardson had a nervous glance over his shoulder”) before the piece de resistance “watch for Ulamek’s celebration when he wins – he loves it here – may be he’s not going to bother cos of that damaged hand and ruins my theory”. Undeterred by this let down, Nigel contradicts the evidence of our own eyes but knows full well if you say something often enough then, in true NLP fashion, it soon becomes the accepted truth (or, at least, the recollection of the thing afterwards), “we are seeing some entertaining speedway in the first part of this meeting”.

Back in the pits Sarra struggles with the dynamics of the sport and the rider interviews. She interrogates Charlie Gjedde with, “eight points ahead – that bonus point must be in your reach” – too polite to contradict her as 15 points and possible tactical rides still separate the teams – Charlie perma-smiles and replies, “yeh, well – well, yeh”. Jonathan remains amazed with the “fantastic crowd” – though they don’t get to stand anywhere near the Sky presenter ‘talent’ since they occupy a huge area cordoned off in the stadium so that they can extol their platitudes uninterruptedly. How great must it be to be Jonathan and take such pleasure in the simple things like the sight of many people together? He must be in ecstasies during the Christmas sales, the rush hour or at a Division two football match. Exploring the ‘big crowd’ theme further, he then suggests, “that crowd definitely has something to think about” before he fixes Kelvin with his serious philosophical stare and says, “very good riding so far” – “very good” intones an anxious Kelv in true call and response fashion.

Despite all this “entertaining speedway” and “very good riding so far”, there’s still the need for a storm in a teacup in the form of Alun ‘Rosco’ Rossiter denouncing his fellow team manager Trevor Swales, for his allegedly craven pursuit of the limelight after some recent rather gentle comments about Swindon’s title ambitions. Trying hard to manufacture some hint of emotion, Rosco notes cattily, “he must have wanted the publicity or someint” before he goes on to excitedly claim he wants to “beat them convincingly, just to shut Trevor Swales up in the press”. In the commentary box Johnno struggles to recall whether he first heard about this dramatic dispute as the headlines on the 10 o’clock news or read about it on the front page of the Sunday Times before he finally remembers he “read the thing in the Star, I think it was”. The shocking sight of Hans Andersen still not on his own bike distracts Johnno who marvels, “he’s actually riding Iversen’s second bike” (the one with the really glittery mud guards). Nigel expertly advises, “it’s not ideal” before Hans then wins comfortably. Interviewed afterwards by Jonathan with his finger invariably on the pulse of possible speedway nuances (apparently points are important in the sport, who’d ever have thought it?), Hans is confronted with the news, “you need the points”. The question is so thoughtfully brilliant, he’s forced to agree, “we definitely need the points!” but undercuts the power of this revelation when he admits, “I don’t know the score?”

Desperation for anything to talk about, along with the inevitable pressure of live broadcasts has Nigel hale an obvious Leigh Adams mistake as a brilliant example of “team riding”. One of Johnno’s great gifts as co-commentator is to gently correct his partner with such subtly that he mostly doesn’t appear to do so, “I think he did actually make a bit of a mistake in that corner”. However, Nige isn’t having it that he’s dropped a clanger, “well, he might have made a mistake but he looked over his shoulder – may be it was the combination of that mistake and team riding”. Thankfully, Kelvin isn’t in charge of the replay (“watch as we run it forward”) so in the hands of Johnno – “watch here” - it’s not so painful to listen to, festooned in pointless graphics or illustrated with arrows apparently drawn by someone with a Ritalin dependency. After we’ve all sat through what we just saw, except for the traditional feature of these Sky meetings - the poor camera angle that misses most of the incident under discussion - Nigel still claims, “so there was a bit of team riding after all”. Johnno corrects him again with emphasis, “yeh, after the mistake!”

Back in the pits being interviewed by Sarra, Kenneth Bjerre raises himself to his full height of around five foot, maintains his natural pained looked and stares off in the distance as though struggling to read a teleprompter written in a foreign language before he eventually gives his considered opinion, “I think the track is really tricky out there”.

Nigel’s natural facility with language that has stood him in such good stead in his career causes him to claim, “as Andrew Moore tries to close the door on Niels Kristian-Iversen”. It’s a difficult manoeuvre to accomplish when you’re fourth. Things on the track are so exciting that Nigel then switches to discuss his favourite all time speedway rule, “the aggregate bonus point – a SUPERB rule that came in twenty years ago”. I sense that this fulsome praise about one rule may be an oblique but hardly hint about the tactical ride rule changes for the 2007 season – a present bete noire of the Sky commentary team that evidently displeases these speedway paymasters. Back in the Sky booth, Jonathan chortles, “good advice let’s see if they’re listening”?! I wonder if ‘they’ are? Or if the bookmakers will offer odds on the restoration of the two tactical rides rule during this winter to combat team inequalities, large ‘uneven’ score lines and restore the vim and vigour of the sheer spectacle of the thing to speedway fans everywhere (read: armchair fans and advertisers).

Luckily some excitement is then generated by a couple of decisions by Chris Durno who stops the racing in heat 8. The first time he makes the decision to stop the race and rerun it, he’s greeted with praise from Johnno after a belligerent call from Rosco that he bats off with the observation there’s “still a race to be run”. In the rerun, Chris Durno again (very quickly) stops the race when Richard Hall falls and appears stuck under the air fence but actually isn’t. It’s a split second decision taken by the referee without the benefit of hindsight or replays. “I’m doing it for safety reasons, nothing else” explains Chris before he undermines his case with some arcane comment about the fixed attachment of the base of the air fence also being a factor in this decision, though more likely he meant to note a dislodged kick board 9as that would be an excludable offence). Afterwards Trevor Swales highlights that the air fence isn’t attached but omits to mention anything about kickboards, when he noted, “that was stupid to stop the race that quickly….he didn’t even give himself a chance to look at it!” Trevor assumes the put upon air of a man marooned in a world gone mad, “they just don’t seem to be listening to anybody the riders, the team managers – well, never mind”. Kelvin often issues judgements from the version of the rules that apply in Kelvinworld rather than the present 2007 SCB rulebook, “I didn’t really see any point to stop the race or exclude Richard Hall – can’t say I agree with it”. Would this be the same Kelvin Tatum who never says a peep when rider safety is potentially put in jeopardy when some tracks are clearly too wet to race upon but are because the Sky cameras are present? The one person we don’t ever really hear from is the decision-maker in question – the referee who has no right of reply and can’t correct any misinterpretations of the rules that sudden get presented as fact.

We’re then lucky enough to be treated to a motivational masterclass from Rosco who the cameras catch encouraging Mads Korneliussen before heat 10 by screaming at his helmet, “Come on! Let’s have it! Come on! Come on!” as though he’s decided to conduct his own late audition for a role in the Cardiff GP adverts. With the score at 34-25 Jonathan and Kelvin wear the pained expressions of people who have lost a winning lottery ticket. They grumble “we’ve seen a lot of this sort of thing this season” - “yeh, it gets to heat 10 and it’s difficult to see how a team can come back”. There’s nothing for it but to repeat the usual Sky Sports Speedway tactic and pretend future (mediocre) prospects are fantastic.

[JG] “Fast field in heat 13 – that’s something to look forward to.”
[KT without a hint of emotion in his voice] “Yeh that should be a special race.”
[JG] “I’ve just heard from Sarra – Trevor Swales is talking it up like we are!”

After Nigel has claimed “Hans Andersen – one of the most colourful characters in the sport”, Johnno skilfully brings the bike theme back into the commentary equation, “you can see he’s happy to be back on his own bike”. In the pits Sarra checks this theory out, “Hans – happy to be back on your own bike?” and learns, “yeh, I felt a bit more comfortable”. It’s practically all done and dusted so Nigel cranks up the juice, “an interesting, exhilarating night of speedway in front of a highly charged crowd” and then indulges himself with surreal debates with imaginary critics, “who says Leigh Adams does all his work in an armchair blasting away from the start?” Logically we should consider, ‘how would Hans do if he had to borrow someone else’s armchair?’ No meeting would be complete without Johnno using his own unique pronunciations and fortunately we get a late gem, “watch Charlie GEDDIE”.

Jonathan flickers a smile across his careworn expression, “these fans are going to go home with a warm feeling in their hearts” –it’s an unfortunate choice of metaphor when the start of heat 15 has been delayed by the absence of medical cover because the staff have been called to attend a heart attack victim in the crowd. Capably filling this unexpected delay with anodyne blather masquerading as insight, Jonathan looks ahead to the forthcoming schedule of Sky televised speedway meetings for May with the Kelvmeister, “any last heat deciders – please tell me so?” Before he momentarily brightens and says, “I’m looking forward to seeing some Premier League action, actually” in a hushed but knowing conspiratorial voice that makes it sound we’ll be treated to some raunchy Sapphic pornography. He then goes on to discuss the GP’s and Scott Nicholls broken thumb before he admonishes the imaginary doubters by addressing Kelvin in a knowing voice, “don’t ever underestimate what these tough boys do!”

In the pits there’s still inordinate time for a superb match up between Sarra and Rosco that is one of the real pleasures of live broadcast speedway television, “a good night indeed as Jonathan said Alun?” As he has trained himself to do with ‘the media’, Rosco studiously pretends to be modest about future Robins prospects, “it’s a long, long way to go yet!” After further insights, Jonathan wraps up, “you could talk to Rosco all night – he likes to talk”

30th April Swindon v Peterborough (ELA) 52-37