Mouse that roared like a tadpole

Tonight sees the sudden death stage of the Elite League season with the play off semi finals at Lakeside and Poole. Arguably the spectre of elimination makes this the most exciting part of the finale and, you’d have thought, that this would be a public relations gift for both the BSPA and the Sky Sports Speedway publicity department to showcase the sport in an attractive light. Unfortunately, the ongoing mushroom principle of speedway public relations continues to be in full force. Some doubt has to exist as to whether the Sky/BSPA strategy of ‘keep everyone in the dark, feed them manure and see what comes up’ really works?

A glance through the sports pages of the Sun, Daily Mirror, Daily Star, Daily Express, Times, Guardian and Independent reveals the trademark level of inertia that characterises the BSPA’s media publicity departments’ promotion of significant events in the British speedway calendar remains truly pitiful. There is an article by Peter Oakes about the Speedway Grand Prix – notably Jason Crump riding through the pain barrier with a broken foot, his tears and his mathematically incorrect but possibly tactical acknowledgement that Nicki Pedersen will be World Champion – but apart from that there is, as usual, nada.

A glance through the television pages of the Sun, Daily Mirror, Daily Star, Daily Express, Times, Guardian and Independent reveals that there is minimal cause for guarded celebration! Only because the Sky Publicity department have sufficiently roused themselves from their season long torpor to finally ensure that television listings editors act on the news that the thinking man’s Jeremy Clarkson – the broadcasting colossus that is Jonathan Green – has left for pastures new! And has been replaced by the all-together more relentlessly matey team of Nige and Kelv. Indeed, the switch to colour presses by the Independent has provoked the first mention I’ve seen of said news. Rather than keep the thrill and spectacle of the play offs secret, the correct teams have even been identified by name in the Express, Mirror and Star!

However, someone still remains somnambulant in the Sky Sports Speedway publicity department if judged by the letter I received this weekend with clippings of the television pages of the Radio Times for September 15th and September 22nd. These claim the Sky broadcasts will be “presented by Jonathan Green with expert analysis by Kelvin Tatum and Chris Louis”. How exciting. And whoever would have thought of contacting the biggest selling telly listings magazine in this country with the correct information? Apparently this error continues in this week’s edition of the Radio Times too but wasn’t sent as they wished to use it for the purpose for which it was intended. The card enclosed also poses some pertinent observations:
Bonkers!
Ineptitude…..?
Indifference….?
Ignorance….?
Sky Speedway PR really are…..?

Surely it’s not asking too much of the Sky speedway publicity team that they should promote the sport along with their own programmes and staff?

Rub of the Dice

22nd September

The best that Nigel Pearson can come up with to excite the armchair audience with (as we scoff the pizzas he claims as our staple diet during speedway meetings) is the less than thrilling news that “both sides need victory for different reasons”. If all that glitters isn’t gold, then this isn’t quite the case either as prior to the meeting Swindon were almost definitely assured of third place in the Elite League unless rivals Ipswich went on to produce a series of astonishing results in their remaining meetings. Given they’ve recently been unable to replicate their early season form and the first of these “vital” meetings was away at Peterborough, this all looked highly unlikely. On the other hand, Coventry had flirted with relegation but with a shock last heat decider triumph at Arlington had already made their season secure with a guaranteed mid-table placing. Obviously these facts wouldn’t deter the Sky Sports Speedway presentational team from claiming this meeting was going to be another earth shattering, thrilling nail biter, despite evidence to the contrary and some rain prior to the meeting. Hans Andersen confirmed conditions were a bit of a struggle, “it’s a bit patchy with the rain that came down just before we started” and later reveals the true state of play, “there’s only one line on the outside and Bomber’s the only one brave enough to use it!”

In the pits, as always Sarra ‘Sherlock’ Elgan was keen to ask and answer her own challenging questions. Along with her trademark pout and furrowed brow to indicate the gravity of each question, she’d started to wave her arms during the interviews as though trying to land planes on an aircraft carrier. Flailing her arms like a windmill, she quizzes Troy Batchelor, “how important is it for you to win to secure third place?” Adopting his usual wide eyed but casual manner, the young Aussie doesn’t convince when he claims in an unemotional voice, “we’re all pumped up!” Apparently this heightened sense of anticipation in the Swindon camp is because, “we’ve got some new riders!” This claim is a bit of a mystery since of the ‘new’ additions to the team Seb Alden is a shop soiled rider having previously plied his trade for the Robins, while Pavlic has now ridden enough for the club to find himself in the team proper rather than down at reserve. Still, if it excites Troy then that should be enough for us at home.

Hans Andersen wins the first race and Sarra soon elicits (“are you enjoying yourself here you seem to be?”) a positive response from the Dane (“I am!”) as well as news that he has been re-born (“it’s kick started my career once again”) at Brandon. In the den of mutual congratulation that is the Brokeback commentary booth, Nigel also feels some quasi-religious fervour when he delights in the sight of up and coming Ben Barker, “another one who gives us hope for the future”. Kelvin has also been impressed with young Ben, “I like his attitude when interviewed”. Sadly, Ben’s bike packs up before he can make any further positive impression in heat 2.

Fortunately to enliven a dull, lacklustre end of season meeting, idiosyncratic Scots referee Ronnie Allen (61) is on hand to interpret the rules in his own way and so eschews all four back and instead excludes Troy Batchelor from heat 3 when he falls in the first corner. Kelvin’s flabber is gasted and, raising himself to his full height and displaying his legendary knowledge of the rulebook and the vagaries of first bend bunching, this decision is immediately denounced as a “MISTAKE!” Usually toys would be thrown from Rosco’s pram but, for some reason, news of the exclusion is slow to filter through to the pits, so instead of tantrums we’re treated to the sight of Troy methodically preparing for the rerun rather than rushing to his toolbox in search of spanners. Much as the Sky team pretend to be outraged by bad language, tantrums and heat of the moment over reactions, the loving almost pornographic way the camera lingers over such incidents and, of course, the endless slow motion replays of crashes betrays these as the real box office draw of each and every meeting rather than the racing itself. With faux outrage at the ready, Kelvin can barely mask his disappointment at the lack of reaction from Troy, “I don’t think he even realises he’s been excluded!” Temporarily in Sarra mode himself, Nigel Pearson notes, “this hasn’t been communicated to the pits!” before his commentary partner and Sherlock wannabe snaps back with lightning insight, “that’s why there’s been no reaction!” Even when the news finally filters through reaction remains totally muted. Rosco – who’s famous for his on screen petulance, love of the cameras and wild comments – comes over all Zen and goes off for a few “deep breaths”. While Troy decides to concentrate his energies into preparing for his next race, “the ref’s the boss and I can’t do anything about it”. Crestfallen but making the most of a bad situation with no ‘unexpected’ swearing to apologise for, Nigel codedly praises Troy’s “mature attitude” while an exasperated Kelvin moans, “it’s not the attitude I would have had!” Talk of Kelvin’s hair trigger emotions allows the commentators to bond further in their booth and Nigel comes over all misty-eyed and wistful recalling visions of Kelvin in the pomp and grandeur of his wild eyed, (possibly foul mouthed) temper tantrum days of yore.

The racing is so follow my leader and overtaking seems as likely as an intelligent post race question in the pits from Sarra or Sam that Kelvin ids soon forced to talk about his second favourite topic – the track. Tonight we’re told in a serious voice, “track conditions – I HAVE TO REITERATE – are not easy!” Apparently at a meeting we’re not seeing on our screens at home, Detective Inspector Tatum continues, “so far THE EVIDENCE WE HAVE is that the racing has been top drawer!” I’d hate to see bottom drawer if that’s the case! A Carlsberg moment follows when the third heat is eventually rerun, “Chris Harris – you know what he’s like when he hits the front – he’s PROBABLY the fastest rider in the world!” We know that Kelvin likes to exaggerate but surely Nigel or someone should have a word when the hyperbole gets this out of control?


If Ronnie Allen’s first ‘controversial’ decision irked Rosco, then the second quickly causes him to break his vow of silence. This happens in heat 6 with the exclusion of Mads Korneliussen for a tapes offence when his helmet visor snags the tapes just as they rise in the attempted first running of the race. Rosco is straight to the pits phone where the Sky cameras and microphones await his explosive reaction. Stupidly, he tries attempted sarcasm and imitates one of Sarra’s rhetorical questions, “he’s caught the tapes with his helmet, you can’t exclude him for that!” “I can” replies Ronnie before adding “it’s a tapes infringement” in the quiet, patient voice of someone who realises that the person they’re speaking with isn’t playing with a full deck of cards. Elsewhere, Kelvin knows his own mind, “I have to say that is an ERROR!” In the pits, the camera cuts to show us two middle-aged men (Russell, T. & Rossiter, A.) in red anoraks speak animatedly. Unnecessarily, Sam explains the scene but adds nothing to our understanding, “the boys are having a discussion”. Once his chat with Terry Russell has ended, Rosco remains pretty measured, “I think Ronnie’s got a few rules up his sleeve.” Unfortunately, for both Alun and Kelvin a brief glance in the British speedway rulebook would confirm that Ronnie is correct. If he’d been less camera shy, perhaps Sky could have found the time to let him explain rather than keep the viewers labouring under a misapprehension?

Though excluded, apparent lack of communication in pits has Mads Korneliussen once again briefly line up at the tapes – thereby delaying things further - before being finally sent away. This could have been gamesmanship or understandable confusion but, with Rosco in charge, it’s hard to tell given he already had the distraction of wild conspiracy theories on his mind. Nigel almost tuts over this aspect of the debacle, “this doesn’t do the sport any favours to be honest” while Kelvin avers, “it’s a slightly messy situation”. When the race is finally run, Allen and Andersen win with some ease though Nigel can’t really take pleasure in what he’s seeing, “this is team riding though, to be fair, they don’t really need to do it!”

In the absence of tension, Nigel has to clutch at any straws of consolation he can invent, “the race for third place could come down to two points difference”. While our hearts collectively race at this prospect, Ronnie Allen continues to plough his own furrow to perk up the entertainment on offer. Heat 7 has Chris Harris come to grief on the first bend but, unlike Batchelor, he’s surprisingly not excluded. Tactically for professional hyperbole reasons every week Kelvin claims to be surprised by something mundane he’s seen for our benefit as the armchair audience. Usually this storm in a teacup is stuff like a bad choice of gate position, racing line or a minor mechanical problem. However, tonight his ire is comprehensively stoked by the referee, which definitely saves the effort of inventing an imaginary bogeyman. “I would have thought the ref will exclude Chris Harris…[he doesn’t] well, SORRY, HE’S GOT IT WRONG!” Nigel expresses faux concern for Alun Rossiter’s blood pressure and mental equilibrium, “well, Alun has had his patience tested – though he’s a lot calmer this year!”

In their speedway coverage, Sky Sports pride themselves on their presentation. A key component of which is the roving camera in the pits, there to capture the unguarded ‘real’ moments of instant reactions from the participants under stress. This evening, they inadvertently capture live on film the hugely influential speedway figure (and Swindon co-owner) Terry Russell with his hands metaphorically down the knickers of British Speedway. It’s a real pulling the strings of the puppet moment when we see him on the pits phone and, as if he’s just come from the set of the latest Guy Ritchie epic London geezer film, hear him instruct/advise the referee, “we’ve had two bad ones – so try and level it up for us will ya?” If the published rules are that the referee won’t speak to riders but only the team manager during a meeting, why did Ronnie even take the call? Nigel lifts the metaphorical carpet and quick thinkingly whistles a happy tune to distract us from the implications of what we’ve all witnessed, “Terry Russell had to step in there” he claims before celebrating the way Terry brings “a calming influence with the referee”. This makes it sound like both Ronnie and Alun are thundering around the place like runaway mad bulls. After this inadvertent brush with the media spotlight, Terry drops into the background and resumes helping old ladies across the road for the rest of the meeting.

The production team and Sam Ermolenko do manage to find Rosco who warms up sufficiently to further develop his conspiracy theme and fulminates in King Lear-on-Prozac fashion against injustice. “Ah well, what can I say? I think there’s some sort of conspiracy…it’s absolutely pathetic! …People wonder why I’m like this on Sky!....you can see that, you’re a rider, that is shocking!.. you’ve got a guy up there and we’re focussing on a bloke up there – Ronnie Allen – not the riders!” Actually, we’re focussing on the team manager not the riders but still we know what he means. Ultimately, Rosco has no choice but to threaten the ultimate sanction, “I ain’t gonna speak to him ever again!” It’s a vow of silence that he completely fails to keep during the remainder of the meeting, “I don’t want to talk about it but the ref spoilt the meeting tonight!”

Though injuries in heat 8 (“I think Seb has broken his collarbone and James has bashed his hand”) and bad luck also play their part, Swindon do fall away against Coventry during the latter stages of the meeting. Understandably so given that they’re already in the play offs and the result of the meeting is comparatively meaningless. Nonetheless, Alun clearly knows who the villain is, “well, it was going well until a certain person tried to change the goalposts!” He does perk up in Sarra’s company enough to flash his teeth and flirt, “I’m doing a Nick Faldo now and giving away my secrets!” It’s a weird Freudian comparison for Rosco to make given the proven incompetence of Faldo as a team manager and motivator of talented individuals. Though, of course, Faldo did excel as a competitor during his playing albeit without popularity [the old golf joke was: ‘every time Faldo says ‘good shot’ they build the eighth Wonder of the World’]. Oblique talk of the Ryder Cup allows Nigel to wear his golf glove with pride and try a shockingly weak pun, “was that Alun Rossiter’s sandwich order then?” In true relentless bonhomie style, Kelv splits his sides ‘laughing’ at this verbal dexterity, “a ha ha ha ha ha!”

Ever vigilant about foul language, Sherlock couches her questions to Rosco with particular care, “things seem to be conspiring against you – and don’t swear!” “I won’t swear” flirts a hurt Rossiter. Never needing a second excuse to find a plausible explanation, a taciturn Leigh Adams picks up on the well worn but unproven discrimination theme in almost every interview (“we’re racing eight guys tonight!”). Leigh has by his own high standards been under par tonight (“it’s not ideal”), so Kelvin seeks other explanations for the dropped points, “there’s been a long gap between heat 6 to heat 11….he’ll be a bit chilly.”

Luckily to pass the time and liven things up for us at home, Nigel noted down some ready drafted phrases to drop into proceedings when the opportunity allowed. When Troy Batchelor’s first three races find him pointless we learn, “yet to complete a race or score a point – a night of misery for the Batchelor Boy!” Rosco’s battle with his emotions also earns frequent sympathy, “Alun Rossiter trying to stay calm, trying to stay cool, trying to stay focussed”. With apparently every red anoraked member of the Swindon Robins management team present in the pits and in the limelight, we also learn, “co-owner Gary Pratchett is there looking at James Wright – the situation is being carefully analysed”. Nigel has retired his frequently used “to be fair” linguistic tic for the evening but his inner policeman instead surfaces with the “questions” version. “The questions will be argued late into the night” [are questions argued?] “Well, questions will be asked – did Chris Harris punish himself?”

The thinking man’s Tony Millard, Kelvin Tatum has also hit a rich vein of form on the word play front. With sixteen points between the teams before heat 11, he expects inspiration from the Swindon number 2, “if Wright could get away it would be an inspiration for the Robins…[seconds later he’s shown riding third out of the second bend] yeh, not unexpected”. Later when predicting what will happen when looking at a replay of a race he’s just seen, the Kelv tells us authoritatively “he’s gonna have a quick look, a long look in fact!” While sight of Troy B in a black and white helmet leads Kelv to praise Rosco’s managerial acumen, “he’s gonna give it a rub of the dice” before he worries about the standard of equipment the young Aussie will ride, “that bike’s running like [pause to catch his swear word] awfully!” Looking ahead to the climax of the season, he comes over all Zen, “well, you can never wait for play offs”. Probably his most profound thought of the night is “well, you know, sometimes sport can be cruel”.

22nd September Coventry v Swindon (Elite League B) 52-43

Tough Spokes & Slow Bikes

8th September

Leading up to the latest televised broadcast, the Sky Sports Speedway publicity office had worked their usual communicational magic to minimise the armchair audience. The Speedway Star told us that we’d get to see the ‘relegation’ clash of the titans that is the Belle Vue versus Wolverhampton meeting from Kirkmanshulme Lane. In a season where the sport has been hit hard at the turnstiles and the weekly attendance of every single fan has assumed yet greater importance, no promoter is going to want to see the traditional many hundreds knocked off the normal weekly attendance figures by blokes in sharp suits based in London spreading (and then failing to correct) false rumours of the chosen televised fixture. While over at The Sun - a Murdoch sister company, let’s not forget – the Sky speedway publicity communications team have again failed to get through once again. Though, to be fair, another possibility is that the Sun sports and television desks have become so inured to matters of the shale that they can’t even be bothered to identify the teams on show any longer. Indeed, in the paper they claim the show will feature “another top meeting from the Elite League”. Even more upsettingly for those armchair fans who’ve set the video to record the speedway, there has been a last minute switch from Sky Sports 1 to the equivalent of satellite Siberia, Sky Sports Extra.

The Murdoch Empire way is to endlessly promote sports events for which Sky have the exclusive broadcast rights. The Murdoch papers do this ad nauseum with football (just recall the so-called Premiership Super Sunday) and you’d have thought that would be standard practice in the Sun/Times/Sunday Times to relentlessly promote the speedway on Sky, if only a half decent relationship existed. Someone the Sky Speedway publicity team could take a lesson from is Nigel Pearson who gives a masterclass throughout the broadcast with endless mentions of Andy Murray and tennis. I can’t imagine that speedway fans are also one of the obvious natural constituencies of tennis fans but that doesn’t deter Nigel from banging on about the Final of the US Open following the speedway (exclusively on Sky Sports 1). It doesn’t float my boat. However, it’s mentioned enough for Nigel to deserve a pay rise, contract extension or future tennis work to add to the eclectic portfolio of sports he already covers. Though militantly Scots, Nigel quickly claims Murray as “British” in an attempt to appeal to the latent patriotism of any wavering speedway fans.


Sat with my wrongly pre-prepared Belle Vue versus Wolverhampton programme poised at the ready (generated from the always wonderfully informative Speedway Plus website), it’s quickly apparent that for the second successive week we’re going to be treated to a meeting from Peterborough. They say you can’t get too much of a good thing. That’s doubly true tonight with Nigel and Kelvin perched at the ready in the revolutionary innovation that is their state of the art window-cleaning booth. Their spin is that we’ll be overjoyed to see a clash of top versus (nearly) bottom at the East of England Showground, though maybe it’s really just a desire to see a meeting staged there when it’s not raining? Whatever the reason, Trevor Swales nails his colours to the Rick Frost mast when he later praises the “new owner, new club, new era”. Though this phrase reminds me of my old work, where whenever there was another disastrous strategic change (usually meaning more work, less people and morale through the company) management talk would invariably turn to stock clichéd phrases like “there’s a whole new spirit and culture about the place”. You could argue that at Peterborough, the proclaimed optimism is genuine with all the talk of lancing boils possibly sincerely meant. Recent years has seen a variety of self made men become new promoters and arrive at Elite League clubs believing that they can revolutionise the sport, only to quickly find that the hard reality of living the dream can be a massive drain on their finances. Hopefully, Rick will enjoy some longevity and reward at Peterborough rather than briefly flare like a soon to be extinguished firework on the Elite League speedway scene. One of the first steps taken under new management has seen the return of Ryan Sullivan in Panthers colours to captain the team. The shrewdness of this decision is immediately hailed by Nigel (“he really is a club legend”) and Kelvin (“Mister Peterborough they call him”) without meaningful analysis, though even they have to acknowledge the question marks immediately raised about his approach and attitude by his recent poor performance versus Eastbourne (three points from five rides). This was subsequently explained as a result of a “bad case of toothache” in the Speedway Star. Ryan probably just needs to be more – what Kelvin calls – tenacianos in future.

After we’ve been treated to the usual ‘weakly’ introduction to the teams – where the revolving graphics make the riders appear to have been modelled on Cluedo cards (rather than the much more impressive talking version you see on the NFL coverage shown on Sky) – talk turns to the shock news that this season the Elite League apparently operates a system where an away team gets three points for an away win and some sort of (notional) promotion/relegation play-off exists! It wouldn’t be live speedway if the weather (dry tonight after strong rumours of a wet weekend) and the track conditions (“I’m going to reserve my judgement” says Kelvin authoritatively) weren’t immediately discussed, though thankfully tonight it’s kept in comparative check. The first few heats are processional and fail to feature anything that could be described as overtaking after the first turn. Of course, you wouldn’t guess this (“it’s fast, it’s furious”) from the excitable commentary and Nigel whoops with delight (or relief?) after the first real passing manoeuvre (“have we got a meeting on or what?”) before he predicts, “we’ve got a magnificent night of speedway ahead!” “Early doors” we do see Magnus ‘Zorro’ Zetterstrom in action, though he opts to wear a crash helmet rather than the new Swedish crown that so slightly shocked Kelvin (“he’s the new Swedish champion, of course, slightly surprising”). At reserve, Karol Zabik (or “Carol Zorbik” as Middlo calls him) makes a quick return to the Panthers team from the injury he sustained in late August during the same home meeting versus Lakeside that also sadly saw Adam Shields so badly injured. Nigel admires Karol as a rider, “on his day, he can beat the best” and Kelvin agrees, “yeh, it’s a few years since I’ve seen him ride in the UK”.

The action in Heat 2 prompts Nigel to try out one of the tongue twisters he’s invented to catch out German spies who’ve infiltrated themselves into the Peterborough area (“to be fair it’s fair to say”), while in the pits blonde Sarra Elgan uses her full armoury of rhetorical questions and gnomic statements to conduct some of her famous incisive interviews. She tells race winner Freddie Eriksson, “you’re the only ever present Poole [sic] in the Elite League this season”. Later doors she grills a very South African sounding Henning Bager with, “is it good to give something back to the crowd?” The early racing is so processional that during heat 4 Nigel clutches the dramatic straw of Zabik and Vissing failing to team ride, “it’s almost like they’re racing each other!” Never afraid to make up new words, phrases or emotions, Kelvin claims, “I tell you what, the home fans must be in cuckoo land!”

Some things never change, consequently Kelvin can’t rid himself of his desire to blather on about arcane technical or mechanical matters, the track or his tourettes like mania for saying “literally” at every opportunity. Working so closely together with his presentational partner in crime, Kelvin has also become infected by the perennial Pearson trope of “to be fair to him”. Though an addition to his linguistic armoury, sadly he doesn’t combine these two key phrases together in a single sentence. We do learn after two races “to be fair to Chris… the track is riding better than it looked”. Talk of the weather is never far away (possibly because the window cleaning booth is so high in the sky it nearly touches the clouds) prompting Nigel to observe, “Yes, speedway is like cricket, like one of those other sports”. Manfully trying to build up some more non-existent excitement at the spectacle of the early heats, Nigel focuses on the mechanics of the scoring procedures, “it’s getting to that stage of the season where every point is vital” (“yeh, right!” chants Kelvin in true bored parrot-in-crime fashion). Kelvin prefers to concentrate on the real mechanics and nearly wets himself with the excitement of Chris Holders return to the pits “for last minute adjustments” during “the two minute warning”. As we’re shown hands fumbling with a bit of Holder’s machine obscured by his advert laden bike cover, yelling orgasmically Kelv exclaims, “It’s a carburetion problem! This is real drama, real panic! Clearly it’s either running too lumpy or..” We never learn what else Kelvin surmised it could have been as the problem is almost immediately fixed and Holder returns to the tapes with over a minute still remaining of the time allowance. Nigel issues a heartfelt apology for the swear word I freaking missed, “if you heard a few words of panic you may have been offended by, we apologise for that!”

No sooner has Nigel demonstrated his mathematical prowess as well as expressed glee at the ‘excitement’, speed and smooth running of the meeting (“we’re only a third of the way through – we’ve had five races already”) than disaster strikes at the start of heat 6. A fishtailing Davey Watt gets caught in a first bend sandwich with the Panthers riders but during the clash gets his foot painfully caught in Lukas Dryml’s back wheel. Donning his metaphorical white coat and immediately demonstrating the technical expertise that Sky have hired him for, Kelvin informs us, “it’s clearly his right foot or his right leg!” The next moment Kelvin amazingly admits on air that he may be fallible, “I was looking across from here in the commentary position and I thought it was Ryan Sullivan” [who caught Davey Watt’s foot]. This admission of error is arguably a real first for Kelvin after nearly a decade of live broadcast speedway. Even more revealingly, he’s also acknowledged that the oft repeated claims that the Sky window cleaning booth gives the so-called “best view in the stadium” is demonstrably false. The welter of revelations are soon lost when Kelv rises to the occasion and brings the full force of his speedway riding insight to bear on the situation, “you know, that looked totally innocuous – I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d broken his foot!” We’re then collectively treated to lots of footage of Davey Watt as he remains prostrate on the track surrounded by medical staff in yellow fluorescent clothing who haven’t rushed quite so quickly to the diagnosis Kelvin feels in his water may be true. Given how Sky’s maitre d in the pits, Steve Brandon likes to gruffly pride himself on barking out orders to try to ensure a smoothly efficient and promptly run meeting, you can almost sense him itching inside his headphones wanting to clear Watt from the track to allow the racing to restart and to protect the overridingly important schedules and planned advert breaks.

Still, the health and “safety” of the riders is always notionally ‘paramount’ to the Sky speedway people, so instead of dumping Watt onto the centre green we all instead have to settle for some trademark magisterial insight from Kelvin. Presented with a picture of a back wheel with broken spokes detached from its bike he burbles, “you can see where his foot has gone!” After the remarkable news that “those spokes are not easy to break, they’re tough” it’s only a brief moment before the ultimate comparisons are made – namely to numero uno and the accidents Kelvin has suffered himself. “Well, I’ve had some high speed crashes..[blah, blah]…but I’ve also had an incident like Davey Watt and I was out for six months!” If Kelvin were a character from Dad’s Army he’d most likely be a unique combination of Fraser and Mainwaring. Fortunately before we learn more about how Kelvin cleaned his bikes, organised his potting shed cum garage, what he wore under his kevlars or how he renewed his van insurance policies, the camera cuts back to the pits.

Stood there some distance away from the on track ministrations to his stricken colleague, Chris ‘he’s a talented twenty year old who should really get a wild card place in the 20089 Grand Prix series because he really has the talent to go all the way’ Holder is consulted about his view of Davey Watt’s injury. Holder is a naturally modest and supremely laid back individual. After a slight mechanical gremlin that nearly had Kelvin cream himself on air, Holder nonchalantly admitted, “I left me brain in me toolbox – I left me choke in!” To say, he’s phlegmatic would be an understatement, “I think he’s just waiting to get his bike right!” It’s a diagnosis Kelv dismisses out of hand, “this is SERIOUS for Davey Watt to stay down....tell you what, Chris Holder is a bit more confident that I am!” When Davey finally gingerly gets up and is helped back to the pits by medical personnel, Kelvin confirms the evidence of our own eyes, “Davey Watt can’t put his weight down on his foot!” The excitement of on the hoof medical diagnosis also catches Nigel but he’s unable to get a word in edgeways. Kelvin has sensed some of the valour of wartime in the situation, “he’s determined, he’s courageous – half the battle now is whether he can get his boot on!” If we stop a moment for perspective, as viewers we’re all sat a home listening to a debate about whether someone can get dressed again. In the detailed style of a porn movie, we’re treated to a full frontal, lingering shot of Davey’s foot, “oh, I can see the swelling on the bridge of his foot!” exclaims an excited Kelvin. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a broken metatarsal – a footballer’s injury!” Nigel tries to interrupt with some news of his own football injuries but is cut off in mid-jumpers for goalposts, “sorry to interrupt, I tell you what as a speedway rider, all your weight goes on your right foot!” Before the medical analysis can continue, the two-minute warning sounds and Daniel Davidsson makes his way out as the reserve replacement for Watt. Kelvin still has feet on the brain so blurts out, “Daniel Davidsson has very big boots to fill!”

Even the rerun of Heat 6 remains eventful when, with the Panthers poised for an almost certain 5-1 that will extend their surprise four point lead further, Lukas Dryml comes to grief under his own volition. Kelvin really can’t believe it, “Dryml went down – that really is a fundamental mistake!” It’s such a major booboo that Epsom born Kelvin Martin Tatum MBE suffers a major attack of the literally’s when perusing the full horror of this unexpected fall on replay, “and there literally he just slides off by himself…literally the bike slides away from him.” Kelvin has kindly blushed on behalf of Lukas, “I imagine he must have been embarrassed about that to be perfectly honest Nigel – that really was a schoolboy error!” In the pits, Sarra is keen to quiz the taciturn but unsighted (as he was leading the race, doh!) Panthers Captain Sullivan about the ‘nailed on’ 5-1 transmogrifying into the disappointment of a drawn heat. Always keen to give the impression he charges by the word for every interview he gives, Ryan doesn’t initially respond to Sarra trying to put words into his mouth (“yeh, I guess he lost it a bit”) before motivationally noting, “you’re right if he has really messed up”. It’s difficult to see how this interview sheds light on the situation at hand – effectively a chat between someone who didn’t see it lead by someone who didn’t understand what they’d seen, broadcast live.

Immediately afterwards, Nigel is forced to dip into the handy ‘Ready Drafted Commentators Platitudes Handbook’ - discarded by its previous owners Tony Millard and Jonathan Green - for a few choice bon mots of hyperbole. After trotting out some guff about “this fascinating Elite League showdown”, Nigel – a keen Spice Girls aficionado - is forced to flash his own metaphorical (XXXL) version of Geri Halliwell’s knickers with loose talk about how the total absence of British riders from this meeting leaves his mood “tinged with sadness”. Kelvin needs no second bidding to froth on patriotically about Johnny Foreigner, “well, that’s another story and something we talk about all night!” Thankfully this doesn’t happen as Nigel – using the breathing-and-British criteria favoured by Jim Lynch in recent national team selections - wracks his brain (out loud) for a prospective British Dream Team for 2014 and briefly name checks some young up and coming British speedway prospects. It’s a short list and, almost as if he’s taken a swig of truth serum rather than his usual diet coke, Nigel blurts out a confession, “we have, of course, given Tai Woffinden the big hype all year here on Sky!” Suddenly keen not to be seen with his hands on the strings that hold the puppets, all talk about Tai ‘It’s a mans sport’ Woffinden is dropped when Kelvin saves the day with some trademark blather, “young Polish and Swedish riders come over here desperate to make their mark in British speedway!” [Golly, it almost makes me want to jump to attention and salute] I think Kelvin is trying out his variation of the tried and tested Middlo Ambition argument – namely that British riders keen to get ahead should forego their speedway apprenticeship (and the so-called ‘easy money’) in the Conference and Premier leagues in favour of really ‘testing’ themselves against the ‘big boys’ in the Elite League. Ignoring the financial implications and industry failure rate for the riders in question - or the fact that unless you’re supremely talented, most promoters/team managers will restrict any new or struggling rider to three rides and cut them from the team at the first opportunity – this appears to pass the obligation onto the riders whereas we all know that it’s the promoters who prefer to put finance first as well as staff their teams with ready made foreigners rather than have the patience to grow their own talent! Indeed, even the two most highly praised young riders in contemporary speedway (with Australian accents) – Chris Holder and Tai Woffinden – have chosen to come through the ranks and ply their trade outside the Elite League to properly serve their apprenticeships.

After the drama of Davey Watt’s foot, the real or imaginary talking points rapidly dwindle. Chris Louis informs us “you can get hit by heavy dirt” at the Showground – indeed the unlucky Davey Watt had already demonstrated this in his first ride. Since they’re enjoying another good season likely to end in their triumphant crowning as Elite League champions, Nigel wastes no time when he takes the sensible career option to enthusiastically praise the overall professionalism of Poole Speedway club. Something he ascribes to the brilliance, visionary leadership and general acumen of Matt Ford and the mysterious Giles Hartwell. [who he, Ed?] The Pirates didn’t look on the pace to start with (with the exception of Zorro) and the subsequent loss of Watt along with a couple of shock zero’s for Holder and Pedersen as well as an engine failure while leading for Zorro means that tonight probably isn’t going to be their night. After heat 9, the Panthers are ahead 33-21, which allows the visitors the chance to exploit the tactical option of a double points ride. One possibility would be to hand it to Bjarne Pedersen immediately or, alternatively, use Chris Holder in the race after. Nigel describes these scenarios only to be told by the not easily fooled Kelvin, “that’s heat 11, we’ve got heat 10 to come first.” The decision not to use Bjarne taken by Neil Middleditch is questioned by Nigel, “I know you can never predict the result from a race…but if Poole don’t take the tactical ride in heat 10 and the Pirates get 5-1”. Perhaps the commercial team could work up a new jingle to excite those unfamiliar with speedway on Sky –“it’s a white knuckle ride through the regulations!”. Sod’s Law dictates that the chance has gone before it’s barely arrived when a Pedersen-Skornicki maximum heat advantage scuppers the tactical option. Looking into his crystal ball, Kelvin ponders the internal monologue raging in Middlo’s tormented mind, “I wonder what Neil Middleditch is thinking here – he’s thinking I can’t use the tactical ride.” Sarra tries to get to the bottom of the decision that the window cleaning booth based commentary team strenuously avoid identifying as a goof. Initially Middlo is in denial, “Bjarne said to me the bike’s not quick enough” before joking, “they’re getting on our weaknesses, the team manager one of them.” With the Pirates still trailing by eight points, a mathematically challenged Sarra tries to be optimistic, “another 5-1 in this heat, could even it all up!” [Er, no, they’ll still be four points behind]

Still avoiding critical comment about Middlo like the plague, Kelvin instead seizes upon the reported Slow Bike Justification even though we didn’t actually hear Bjarne himself utter such an explanation. Nonetheless, it’s taken as gospel. “It might have gone slightly A-RAY in the previous race but obviously the bike’s got more belief than the rider! The bike’s gonna win it whether the rider likes it or not!” Judged by Kelvin’s usual hallmark say-what-I-see-as-an-ex-rider meat and potatoes commentary style, this poetic flight of fancy is an unexpected journey into the rarely explored recesses of his imagination. Nigel is hugely appreciative of his partner’s sudden flight of fancy and, with another win for Bjarne in heat 12, takes the chance to offer his own on air tribute, “and to quote Kelvin Tatum, maybe Bjarne Pedersen will have as much self belief as his bike – what a great line that was Kelvin.” “Ha ha, tee he, thank you!” It gets even more mutually appreciative in the window cleaning booth with each passing week but, before it turns all Brokeback Mountain, luckily the camera cuts to Sarra for an interview with a taciturn Bjarne in the pits. There he’s hectored about the ostensible slowness of his bike prior to heat 10.
[BP] “To be fair to me we did a few adjustings on the bike.”
[SE] “Is it all going to ride on the final heat?”
[BP in a bored voice] “Yeh, probably”

Despite protestations and hyperbole to the contrary, the meeting peters out as a home win. Kelvin thinks this may be due to the “stability of a new owner”. Poole have had dreadful luck though Nigel notes, “let’s balance it out by saying Peterborough don’t have [the ill] Danny King!” Sarra’s ongoing search for a meaningful or incisive question provides some entertainment. Long after any notional ‘drama’ from the ‘incident’ has evaporated she still continues to try to grill Middlo about Davey Watt’s foot, “What’s the latest? Have you heard anything since the last time we spoke?”

8th September Peterborough v Poole 47-43

Tenacianos

The converted window cleaning booth that serves as the Sky speedway commentary booth has certainly been going back to its roots in recent weeks. Recently it has been another week, another meeting staged in the rain for the benefit of Sky television. I always understood that "rider safety" was always the number one priority for everyone, never mind that both rain and drizzle significantly impairs visibilty for the riders. It's difficult to imagine that any cricket match would be played in bad light, yet only a week after Adam Shields was injured there, the show must go on the notoriously fast Peterborough track in less than ideal conditions. Though Kelvin claimed that riders would invariably be keen to race since "once the bike's dirty, you have to clean it anyway", this doesn't really bear scrutiny unless, of course, they allow this to happen in hospital car parks nowadays. If you're briefly injured or out for the season, you'll get more than enough time to look after your equipment or consider your lack of earnings.

Perhaps if cricket was staged in bad light, everyone would bowl dolly drops. Too many matches played like that would undermine the integrity of the league tables, yet at speedway it's apparently okay to undervalue the results and slither round the track just ensure the contracted weekly race is run. Ridden is probably the operative word rather than raced and we all like to see a speedway ride rather than a speedway race.

Peterborough was staged in safer conditions than previously at Poole, yet the feeling remains that the paying public are somehow been short changed. Still, Sky's desire to ensure their advertisers are always happy does have its strange benefits since at a rain lashed Wimborne Road, we were treated to the sight of Kelvin and Nigel getting soaked (as well as Jason Crump working as an unofficial referee cum shop steward). Sadly, this exciting camerawork was mostly missing last night at the East of England Showground.

With speedway now apparently an all weather sport, hopefully we can soon abandon the close season and replace it with speedway riding throughout the winter?

Though, the spectacle isn't of the calibre you'd expect in dry conditions, there's always plenty of entertainment on offer from Kelvin. Whether it's pointless technical insight ("sometimes after the practice laps the chain needs tightening"), the excessive use of the word "literally" or the relentless bonhomie and joviality of his interactions with Nigel - despite the naysayers, the high cost of a Sky subscription remains remarkably good value. Worth the month's fee alone last night was Kelvin's invention of a wonderful new word - tenacianos (said "ten-naysh-ah-nos") - while burbling on about the ostensible speedway skills of Henning Bager. Perhaps the viewers (literally) need their own increased reserves of tenacianos to put up with the same increasing tired format of the rider interviews, one sided meetings and hyperbole every week?

If Kelvin can add words to the English Language, then Nigel isn't afraid to apparently steal some pronunciations from the Tony Millard speedway thesaurus. Without Tai Woffinden to religiously tongue bathe for a couple of hours, kelvin and Nigel switch their attentions to the latest/"new" great white hope that is "future Grand Prix star" in the making. Consequently, Jurica Pavlic gets the full treatment. Sadly, he doesn't live up to his (justified) billing or relish his first trip to the Peterborough track in the rain but we're still treated to Nigel's version of his name "Yur-reek-ka Pav-litch"*. Given, professionalism in a speedway commentary context requires that the presenters frequently have to pretend that they're close to orgasmic and that a dull workaday meeting is the best race ever in the history of the sport, perhaps it was only a matter of time before a speedway rider was associated with a major scientific breakthrough?

The discovery of gravity and that speedway can go ahead in the rain is surely already enough entertainment to justify an increasingly expensive monthly subscription to Sky?

* I'm told that the rider's mum says "you-rizza" when she pronounces it